(::Inhale::…annnnnnd GO!  This post will possibly be in two parts or updated next week if I live.  It’s very long and probably over-dramatic because I’m extremely anxious and overanalyzing everything and wondering why I make such stupid decisions and wondering why I can’t just be normal and  why I have to be so neurotic and have all the neuroses spill out right now….. and at the same time know when I come back alive I’ll have happy pictures and a fun story of ‘how I lived my life’.  Until then here is some emotional baggage…)

Part One: I’m one week out from going to the Grand Canyon. Alone. I don’t do many things outside of baking at home and watching conspiracy documentaries on Netflix, but when I do I go on random adventures alone.  4 years ago if someone told me I’d travel by myself I would laugh hysterically, have them psychologically evaluated, and never trust them with anything. Ever. (But, I’d definitely overanalyze it.)

…And then God laughs.  If you only knew.

My favorite bible quote:
“I sought the LORD, and He Heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.”
– Psalm 34:4

When you ask God to deliver you from your weaknesses and nothing ever seems to happen you should be prepared that in HIS TIME He will answer LOUD AND CLEAR.  Just be sure you are ready for the journey! Wow.

He has set the exact path filled with the exact people and circumstances you need to push and mold you into who you’re supposed to be and is patiently waiting to be asked (Matthew 7:7).  (Bring lots of toilet paper and Pepto for your adventure if you’re stubborn and are living comfy and secure in your fears like me. Your world is going to turn completely around.)

“Do not ask God to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet.”

***Important Note: His time. HIS time is NOT our time.  Our time is wanting everything perfect and worked out NOW.  His time is when you’re at the end of your rope holding on, giving up, and there is absolutely no where to turn.  The hole you were in has turned into a pit and you can’t get yourself out.  It’s getting deeper and darker.  The more you try to climb out the deeper you seem to get in.  You’re worn out and can’t fight to climb anymore.  Your strength is gone and you can’t hold on anymore. There is nothing left and nobody is there to help you.  It’s too late.  You’re in too deep.  There’s too much shame. There’s too much guilt. You’re not worth helping.  You don’t have it “that bad”.
You figure you got yourself into this pit and need to figure out how to get yourself out, but you’re too weak.  You’ve run out of options and as a last resort finally cry out to God because that’s all you can do.  You lay your pride down for a split second and your heart and voice cries out pleading for God to help you. You took a shot.  Soon, you start to see grace everywhere and miracle after miracle start appearing in your life.  All of a sudden the things you’ve prayed for years are being answered in the most creative and undeniable ways.  It’s not coincidence or luck.  The only possible explanation is Jesus because He’s the only One who knows and heard your cries.

Three years ago God started this work in me of completely trusting Him and overcoming fear. Fear of what? Apparently everything. Being trapped in the webs of grief and bathed head to toe in fear is a scary thing and not something people like to talk about. It’s not easy to share the raw and ugly side of yourself and even harder to see the raw and ugly side of someone else.  It’s been an adventurous and rapidly growing journey, but my faith has increased so much it’s unbelievable.

Everyone has dreams and things they think they would like to do one day.  God’s dreams are bigger and way better.  (Let Him dream for you!!)  For 7 years I wanted to visit Ireland.    It started as a thought (because I read PS I love you…and in the movie saw just how beautiful it was and NEEDED to see THAT field!) and that grew to more passing thoughts and a life crisis finally led to going.  I didn’t tell anyone outside of a few family members, my boss, and one coworker about my trip…

Well, I didn’t tell anyone until people asked why I wasn’t on the schedule:
“Remember when you helped me fill out my time sheet?”
“I thought you were joking!!” 😀

I didn’t want to talk about it.  I just wanted to go.  The first person who knew was my calm, sweet coworker who traveled the world and listened to my word vomit for a year.  Flash forward to when I got back home and had people telling me how brave I was.  That was so weird to me because my thoughts were  “Brave?!?  The only thing missing was a giant sign that said ‘HELP ME’.”  They didn’t know the whole story or see all the things I had to work through to actually get there.  They just saw the “Facebook life” happy pictures.  That trip was the sum of one mental block after another FINALLY being demolished over the course of a year.

“A year from now you’ll have wished you started today.”

I gave myself a year of planning and pretending to mentally work through some things and Ireland became the light at the end of the tunnel. One year.  The time I planned to go finally arrived and realized I’d worked so hard and saw that if God brought me through “this much” I HAD to go.  It would have been a waste of time if I didn’t.

I nearly had an anxiety attack in the airport before taking off. After my first flight to Charlotte started moving there was no turning back and it was exhilarating. I was going to Ireland.  By myself.  For 7 hours from Charlotte to Dublin I literally sat straight up in a catatonic state.  I don’t even know if I blinked.

When I landed and stepped outside I knew it was going to be perfect.  10 days.  It was truly the best time of my whole life (thus far). What made it even greater was that it wasn’t about Ireland, but the journey of grace getting there.

Only a few months ago did the idea of riding a mule in the Grand Canyon strike.  Why I need to stress myself out by worrying about all the things instead of simply enjoying a vacation is beyond me.  Who needs car a/c in a New Orleans summer when you can have an adventurous story forever.  (Jesus, take the wheel).  Since no amount of wishing or stressing will bring a season I’m not yet in I decided to push myself by taking another trip.

I leave on Wednesday, August 3.  It is currently Saturday, July 30.  I’ve got 3 days with no hotel reservations that need to be booked and I’m typing this post instead.  I also have a German Chocolate cake order for Monday.  They said no rush on it, but I can’t refund them if I fall off the mule in the Grand Canyon.  I don’t want to provide bad customer service. 😛