You know what is hard for control freaks like myself to do? Let go and “enjoy the ride”. I have to think ahead and plan everything out so that I’m mentally prepared for what’s to come. But, you know what is a hard pill to swallow? That is not how life works and that is trusting self and not God.

When God was calling me, but I didn’t understand what was going on, I would listen to Psalms and Proverbs on youtube while getting dressed in the morning to help with anxiety.  Since I’d wake up at 4AM to get ready for work I had even starting getting up earlier around 3:15 to read a few passages in my bible. After a while the anxiety creeped back. Why did this new thing stop working?

“SEARCH THE SCRIPTURES; FOR IN THEM YE THINK YE HAVE ETERNAL LIFE: AND THEY ARE THEY WHICH TESTIFY OF ME. AND YE WILL NOT COME TO ME, THAT YE MIGHT HAVE LIFE.” – John 5:39-40

My soul was parched and searching for water. I needed more.  What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was living “under the law”.  I knew what I was supposed to do, but something was missing.  Why?

Weren’t we supposed to follow the commandments? Isn’t that what God wanted us to do?  He gave us ten of them, right?  There is even a verse in the New Testament that says “if you love Me you will keep my commandments…” (John 14:15).

Why was I so anxious??? I was doing the “right” thing. I wasn’t doing anything “bad”…

Here it is: I was living under my own strength.  I was missing grace.

“FOR BY GRACE ARE YE SAVED THROUGH FAITH; AND THAT NOT OF YOURSELVES: IT IS THE GIFT OF GOD: NOT OF WORKS, LEST ANY MAN SHOULD BOAST.”  – EPHESIANS 2:8

Grace.

“FOR WE WRESTLE NOT AGAINST FLESH AND BLOOD, BUT AGAINST PRINCIPALITIES, AGAINST POWERS, AGAINST THE RULERS OF THE DARKNESS OF THIS WORLD, AGAINST SPIRITUAL WICKEDNESS IN HIGH PLACES.” – EPHESIANS 6:12

My problem was trying to do the right thing and fight anxiety (and new seasons) under my own strength living under the law, but I didn’t have the Holy Spirit to guide me.

Grace.  (My story of grace.)

A thought crossed my mind one day to start listening to the gospels. I didn’t know why or what would be different than psalms, but thankfully did it anyway.  Listening to it day after day and just hearing the name Jesus over and over calmed my soul. It was what my heart was searching for. He healed sick people.  He called demons out of people.  He stopped what He was doing and would help people right where they were.

“BUT WHOSOEVER DRINKETH OF THE WATER THAT I SHALL GIVE HIM SHALL NEVER THIRST; BUT THE WATER THAT I SHALL GIVE HIM SHALL BE IN HIM A WELL OF WATER SPRINGING UP INTO EVERLASTING LIFE.” – JOHN 4:14

It finally made sense. Until the second I was saved and had Jesus I was living under the law. And once grace appeared it was so easy. The ‘work’ burden was lifted (Ephesians 2:8). Now it’s BECAUSE I love Him I keep His commandments. BECAUSE of my FAITH my works will reflect my faith instead of doing works to prove or show off what I thought faith was.

With all that said what’s there to worry about right? Jesus has me. He rescued me.  He IS the living water. He quenches every thirst.  He calms every sea.  (Psalm 107:29)  He is in control. I need to learn to enjoy the ride and always first remember HE HAS PLANS FOR ME and knows what I need. I’ve been stressing lately (and doubting), but God always sends what we need when we need it. I am so thankful for Godly people in my life. A dear family friend of ours reminded me of this verse and talked about enjoying the ride:

“IF YE THEN, BEING EVIL, KNOW HOW TO GIVE GOOD GIFTS UNTO YOUR CHILDREN, HOW MUCH MORE SHALL YOUR FATHER WHICH IS IN HEAVEN GIVE GOOD THINGS TO THEM THAT ASK HIM?”- MATTHEW 7:11

My dad is one of the greatest witnesses in my life and my best friend.  If he, being human, is evil in the sight of God how much more does my heavenly father love me and want what is best for me?

The last few years have been the greatest ride of my life so far.  I was given a new life.  My faith and relationship with Jesus has grown stronger and I KNOW He has a future for me.  His plans are SO much better than any I could dream of for myself.

People we come across and circumstances arise to refine us and test our faith. Where do we stand?  Some tests are much too close and harder than others.  We think we have what we’ve been waiting for only to realize we have to let it go.  Is this MY desire for my life or is it God’s?  Maybe it’s a waiting season and in the end we will get what we “wanted” and thought was so right from the beginning.  Maybe it won’t come back, but God is leading us somewhere else.  We have to learn to enjoy the ride. Life is too short to overanalyze every little thing and figure it out.  ‘Is this a sign?  Is that it?’  We don’t know the end, but God does.  And that is a comforting thing.  Are we going to put our trust in His hands or our own?  He knows and wants what’s best for us.

So when we don’t have a car, have a low paying job, Prince Charming hasn’t come to sweep you off your feet yet, and you’re left wondering what the heck is going on and are doubting your future …the answer is to put it in the hands of God.  Enjoy this humbling and refining season.  He created the world without your help…don’t you think He can handle yours?  When you think about it our little lives are just a vapor and a tiny dot and can seem pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  But there is a God who has called and knows the number of hairs on your head (Matthew 10:30).  We are not insignificant to Him. Maybe we should get out of His way and watch His plans unfold.