After re-reading my last post (‘God is in the waiting’) it sounded like it all had the same theme: marriage.  In a way it does because Christianity is about the most important marriage of all: Christ and His church.

As an introvert I need space and it takes me a while to process my thoughts.  I’ve learned the best way for me to get all of my over-analysis out is when I am overwhelmed… by writing.  I can’t force things or write just to write.  So, long story short there was no one track theme to that post.  The thought process was a mesh of recent conversations with a friend, refining, prayer, and a fear of a solo trip.  I wrote that post in a matter of 20 minutes during an anxiety attack on a Monday and was supposed to leave that Thursday for Montana.

Here is how God wrecked my plans:

All I had been dreaming of doing was sitting on a mountain and reading my bible.  I went to Colorado last year for a friend’s wedding and have been trying to get back to mountains since.  “Be still”.  The last two years I’ve taken a solo trip that happened to be around my birthday, but were not ‘birthday trips’.  “Here I am! Happy Birthday to me!!”  No…they were actually major lessons God was teaching me and I have a lot of gray hair now.  Good times.  Anyway, after some research I found out August is the perfect time to go to Montana and obviously I could not wait a whole year.  Have you ever seen pictures of Glacier National Park?  It’s unbelievable and almost seems unreal.  I HAD to see it!  I expected to pass out at the beauty before me.  Who has time to wait a whole year?  (Still working on patience…and no I am not praying for patience.  Been there…done that…have gray hair to prove it.  Praying for patience actually is praying for trials.  You learn by overcoming and learning to endure.  You don’t just have patience sprinkled over your life like fairy dust.  That’s a whole different post as there is too much to type on that subject here.  The Book of James and Romans 5 are two that come to mind at the moment.)  Montana had to be this year so I started researching and planning.

Where did the Montana thought come from?  Why would I go there?  Is God sending me?  Am I going to die?  I am a city person.  I don’t know anything about shooting anything.  As soon as I started praying about this trip two bible verses were on my heart:

“AND THE LORD SHALL GIVE THEM UP BEFORE YOUR FACE, THAT YE MAY DO UNTO THEM ACCORDING UNTO ALL THE COMMANDMENTS WHICH I HAVE COMMANDED YOU.  BE STRONG AND OF A GOOD COURAGE, FEAR NOT, NOR BE AFRAID OF THEM: FOR THE LORD THY GOD, HE IT IS THAT DOTH GO WITH THEE; HE WILL NOT FAIL THEE, NOR FORSAKE THEE.” – DEUTERONOMY 31:5-6

“WHAT SHALL WE THEN SAY TO THESE THINGS? IF GOD BE FOR US, WHO CAN BE AGAINST US? HE THAT SPARED NOT HIS OWN SON, BUT DELIVERED HIM UP FOR US ALL, HOW SHALL HE NOT WITH HIM ALSO FREELY GIVE US ALL THINGS?  WHO SHALL LAY ANY THING TO THE CHARGE OF GOD’S ELECT? IT IS GOD THAT JUSTIFIETH.  WHO IS HE THAT CONDEMNETH? IT IS CHRIST THAT DIED, YEA RATHER, THAT IS RISEN AGAIN, WHO IS EVEN AT THE RIGHT HAND OF GOD, WHO ALSO MAKETH INTERCESSION FOR US.”
– ROMANS 8:31-34

Ok. Be strong and courageous… God won’t leave me. But, I felt different about this trip than the others.

Still, I planned and kept praying.  Montana was in my heart.  These verses were on my heart.  What would God teach me this time?

I never tell anyone about my trips so people’s opinions won’t sway me. I’ve learned people’s opinions are plenty and not always in agreement with what God could be teaching you.  His ways can be extreme and hardly logical to the human mind.  Always listen to God and not man.  Man killed God….or so they thought.  God always wins.

Anyway, I never had a peace over this trip. I get anxiety, sure, but this was different and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Still those two verses were in my heart and I kept planning and praying.

I finally had a plan: My itinerary became a road trip through Montana. I was going to fly into Bozeman, spend a couple days in Helena, drive to Missoula, and make my way to Whitefish which is 36 google map minutes away from Glacier National Park. I was going to do a one day group hiking tour so I wouldn’t be completely alone.  I’d rather have witnesses when the bear ate me.  I could go white water rafting… Horse back riding… the possibilities were endless…

It didn’t really matter what I was going to do. I didn’t need to do anything.  I could ‘just be’ on a mountain and spend time with God.

As my departure date got closer my fear was unshakeable.  It wasn’t typical travel anxiety. There was some sort of underlying battle going on. Was it me fighting my old self to conquer fear? I have gone other places… But this wasn’t like before.  I finally confided in a friend.

I even talked to another friend and then a coworker.

All the same :
“You will be fine. You’ll have so much fun. You went to Ireland…???”

Yesssss Ireland always comes to punch me in the face.

It was like there was a major road block and I couldn’t go forward. Instead of a freedom/fun anticipation feeling it was dread and like trying to swim through mud.

That Monday night I had a massive anxiety attack.  I’ve had them before, but nothing like this.  I was passing out and dizzy in my bed and just completely drenched in fear.  I couldn’t move.  At one point I had enough and finally started yelling and rebuking Satan and had to listen to sermons.  I didn’t go to bed until after 10 that night and had to get up for work.

That Wednesday night I had a friend pray with me. One of the things they said was “God can send peace in an instant.”  I was obviously expecting to feel relief and “Oh, this will be fine.  I can go”, but as soon as they spoke it I felt peace NOT to go.  Talk about throw me for a loop.  What about my planning…and the money I spent…and I had the time off already…what if I miss a blessing God has for me…

I continued packing. When I went to print out a Glacier National Park map the first thing that came up on Google were news articles about fires in the area I planned to visit. That immediately killed a lot of the stress as my potential destination was on fire. Not long after that I got a text update that my flight in the morning was delayed due to operational problems.  The anxiety attack a few nights prior came to mind.  Maybe it was God and I was on my own this trip…God wasn’t sending me.

“Ok, God. I hear You.”

I talked to my aunt and dad about it… Which seeking your dad about his kid’s solo trip was out of desperation. He was never excited about it anyway.

“Is it quitting???  I don’t want to be a quitter!!”
“No. Maybe it’s wisdom.”
“I just……. I just feel like I need a friend…..?”

That was such a weird thing to fly out of my mouth as opposed to my previous “I don’t need anyone.  I’m going alone!!”

My dad said, “maybe that’s the lesson God is teaching you. Maybe that’s what it was all about.”

But, MONTANA.  How could God not want me to spend time in the place He created???

My aunt finally warned me about driving on narrow curving edges over creeks… That just made it that more exciting to me. Nevertheless, wisdom.

I went to bed and would finish packing in the morning and make a final decision.

4:00 AM rolled around. I knew my coworker would be getting dressed for work so I texted her not really expecting her to respond as it was 4 in the morning…

“Julie,
I don’t have peace for this trip and am about to cancel it. Is it pride being a quitter if I keep going and don’t listen…? My flight is supposed to be at 730 and I don’t think I can go.”

Remember when my friend said, “God can send peace in an instant” and I automatically had a peace about not going? Julie didn’t know much about my trip except the anxiety attack …

Her response was, “I knew you didnt have peace. . its ok just obey God.” And then told me about cancelling with airlines. As soon as I saw ‘obey God’ the fight was over.  I called customer service at 430 Am to cancel my flight. I had to pay late fee but got a credit for a future flight.

While on phone with customer service it started storming outside … The time I was supposed to leave for airport.

I had no regrets, but what was I going to do? I had a whole week off.

Even while planning this trip I kept thinking “you’ve never visited Emily.  You want to run everywhere else…Why don’t you just be with her?”.  So, that’s what I did.

Friday morning rolled around and by that night I was at her house. Her dad and I have different personalities … While I was wondering about going he already was looking at flights and booked one.

“I’ll be at your house at 9:30 tonight!  Don’t worry. Your house is fine as it is!”

My planner personality had some trouble adjusting to the last minute plans, but I packed and headed out!  There was a delay so my connecting flight was for 5:52 and my first flight was still taxiing at 5:26.  Have you ever been to the Houston airport?  It’s huge.  My uncle told me where the tram was, but there was no time.  When I tell you I took off like a released sling shot out of the plane I flew down steps and down halls and more steps and more halls around people so fast to the gate and made it just in time right before they closed the door.  My throat was on fire and I was gasping for air, but I MADE IT!!

“What’s your name?….Are you ok?…Take a breath…”

What better place to be when you’re gasping for air than in a plane??  I almost pulled down my oxygen mask.  I had to tell the woman I sat next to “I’m not sick.  I promise.  I’m just apparently really out of shape!”

I landed in Dallas and got the rental.  The girl at the counter saw my license/birthday and said, “You’re spending your birthday in Wichita Falls???”
“Yes!”
Judge, girl, judge.  You don’t know what’s there!!  DIAMONDS

I’d never been outside Dallas’ airport.  Long story short Emily lives 2 hours away.  It was about to take me 2 hours to get on the highway.  I couldn’t find my way out of the airport.  I asked a UPS driver at a redlight “How do I get down there??”  “On the highway?” “Yes!”  He helped me a little.

I ended up calling Emily hysterical…”I’m in a parallel universe and can’t get out!!”
You can tell she has small children…”It’s ok.  Just calm down.  Look for signs.  Panicking isn’t going to help.”
“I’M PANICKING!!!!”
“The worst that happens is you stay at the airport or I drive there and you follow me home…”
“………OK.  You’re the calm in my storm right now.”  God always sends a way out…

If you’re ever in a jam call Emily.  She’s a good mother.  She stayed on the phone until I was comfortable with where I was.  “I’M GOING TO EAT THIS BANANA BECAUSE I THINK MY SUGAR IS LOW!  WHAT WAS I THINKING OF A SOLO TRIP???  I can’t even get out of the airport!!”

In my defense it IS indeed ONE road (as Emily kept saying), but Google Maps shows changing directions in every curve in that one road every 3 minutes…”WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR AND WHY CAN’T I FIND IT!!”

I finally made it to her house.

“Ok. Why Montana…?”

Long story short it was one of the best weekends ever.  Sometimes you just need your people.  She kept asking why I would visit them instead of taking a trip.  Because I want to?

I ended up telling her “Sometimes, it’s not what you’re doing, but who you’re with.” 😀

How insane does it sound to say, “Well, God told me to come here.  That season is over and I had to learn these things through the other trips, but He taught me about pride and this was an obedience lesson.”  But, that’s what happened.  Pride comes before the fall…or before getting eaten by a bear.  Maybe the lesson is in the journey and not the destination.  Sometimes, you can just be and enjoy what you have where you are.

We went to the water park which was so fun.  Instead of water rafting in Montana we did the lazy river in Texas. 🙂

“It will be fine.  It will lead us out of here.  Just trust it…”  or so I thought.

We got stuck at one point and the waves wouldn’t catch to get us out.  We were trapped in the corner of the wave pool and a little girl somehow became latched onto us.  She was doing flips on our inner tubes and kept swimming in and around us.  I don’t remember the last time I laughed so hard.  An ‘Emily laugh’.  I missed those.  😀

“It’s like during a trial when the waves are crashing against you and Satan won’t relent!”
Emily: “Stop speaking in metaphors!”

Appropriately timed ‘Brave’ played over the loud speakers.
“Maybe there’s a way out of this cage where you live…”

She finally said “I’m just going to stay here” and we surrendered our inner tubes to fight the waves.
“I’m jumping ship!”