Psssst …

Hey.

You.  (But, really me…)

This may be a hard pill to swallow, but I need to tell you something…

Something that you continue to forget …or ignore.

Something that if you would just listen and apply it would simplify your life so much.

I know.  That something is something you don’t like to hear .  You run from it.  But, Friend, an uncomfortable truth is better than a coddling lie.

Ready?

Come closer.  Come on….

YOU CAN’T CONTROL ANYTHING.

(Did you survive?  I know.  I can sense the eye rolls and inner turmoil and “Buuuuuuut” as you read it.)

Phew.  Now that that’s over can we move on?

No?  Still have to learn that lesson every 15 minutes?

Some people’s kids…

I went through a phase recently where I felt like I’ve wasted so much time and if I could just control the time right now then I could make up for all the time I lost.

So, you can control time…?  Were you at creation?  How did it all come about?  How many seconds was Adam’s first breath?  What color was the first horse…since you were there?

It wasn’t a life crisis as I’ve already had one of those (but, do those really ever end??).  Since God gave me a new life four years ago that made me wonder how I lived before then or how I reached that age at all.   I was just floating and existing.  I was dead.  I came alive 4 years ago.  I honestly don’t even like talking about anything before then because it doesn’t count.  I guess like everyone who gets older says, “If I had known then what I know now…”

But, I can’t go back and to dwell on the past and what ifs is overwhelming.  And it’s a lie and distraction.

God already knows where I currently am.  He set it up.  He is teaching me things at the rate He knows I need to learn them and He knows the timing of when and where it will play out.  Everything happened as it was supposed to and nothing was wasted.  We can only move forward, right?  You take the minute you are in and start from there.  Don’t continue wasting time…

Still, in my mind nothing was happening fast enough and I wanted God to just open my head up like flip top and pour wisdom and knowledge into it.  I figured I could control my seasons if I learned really fast what I needed to and maybe if I knew ALL THESE THINGS it would change something.  (I hear the sighs and eye rolls.)  I had all these questions that given eternity time couldn’t answer.  And they all needed to be answered by 4:30 this evening.  I mean I could die tonight and not have the questions answered. What if I needed to know something before I die…

But, you have Jesus.  If you died you’d be with Jesus and it wouldn’t matter anymore…

BUT, I NEED THE ANSWERS AND I NEED THEM NOW.

Anxiety doesn’t need to make sense.

I read the gospels and God was ripping my eyes open.  After that I decided to start from the beginning.  So, Genesis…and then Exodus…but during Exodus I would read some of the New Testament and realized it all intertwines and the New was quoting the Old and “Where else did it say that??” and I began trying to read the entire bible at once.

It was a comical and stressful time.

My dad said he couldn’t try to keep up because in one conversation I was bringing up Exodus, Hebrews, Hosea, and Romans.  (It made sense to me.)

But, instead of getting answers I was getting anxiety.

Why was I getting anxious?  You shouldn’t get stressed out reading the bible.  It’s supposed to be refreshing and promoting growth.

“But, I need to read it and it’s important!  I need to know what it says!”
My dad: “You also need water.  But, do you drink all of your daily requirements in one sitting or do you drink it over time?”

But, I NEED TO KNOW!!!!!

Guess what?

The more I studied the faster I got answers.

Sike.

God teaches us on His time.  He gives us what we need in His time.

You can’t open up your own eyes.

So, almost needing to be committed later I chose to slow down on my bible reading.

I thought I gave up on life completely.

“How will He teach me if I don’t read it????”

Because He gives me thoughts and questions and then answers them.  It’s amazing what a healthy relationship does and not a psycho trying to control it.

I have peace now which is an odd way for me to live since I’ve been on level 10 so long.  So, I questioned whether it was surrender or if I was apathetic???  I don’t know how to not live intensely.

“I’m not worried.  I should be worried that I’m not worried.”

This doesn’t mean God forgot me.  It’s the opposite.  I am learning to trust Him.  Not trust the idea of who I think He is or what I think He wants.

“AND THIS IS THE WILL OF HIM THAT SENT ME, THAT EVERY ONE WHICH SEETH THE SON, AND BELIEVETH ON HIM, MAY HAVE EVERLASTING LIFE: AND I WILL RAISE HIM UP AT THE LAST DAY.” – John 6:40

Because that’s what this is…a relationship.

With that said over the weekend a situation came up and I didn’t say anything.

Then, I felt bad for not saying anything and standing up as a Christian.

But, I didn’t have anything to say.  No matter how badly I wanted to speak up I just could not find the words.

I kept praying and thinking about it and couldn’t let it go.  The next night I was on Facebook and saw a video of something very relevant and exactly about what I wanted to say.  I couldn’t help but send the video and a long discussion of why and how it was against scripture.

God provided an opportunity for me.  It wasn’t me talking.

And that is how God takes care of His kids.  I am not forgotten and neither are you.

Be anxious for nothing.  Surrender.

(The topic over the weekend was about the Pope telling a little boy that his atheist dad made it into Heaven.  Scripture says the only way to the Father is through the Son.  Jesus is the ONLY way to Heaven.  As the leader of the supposed one true church who has a responsibility to lead people to Christ is leading them to Hell.  He lied to that little boy.  Completely heartbreaking.

I’ll just leave that open can of words there and maybe write a post about it…)

Also, Saturday morning I drank my coffee and watched the sunrise while finishing this cake…

I’d been dreaming of this cake: Homemade strawberry cake made with a homemade strawberry puree iced with lemon icing and drizzled with a white chocolate ganache.

Walking on Water – Needtobreathe

“There’s no turnin’ back.
Nothing in the past.
My eyes are on You again.
Can’t see nothing at all but Your outstretched arms…
Help me believe it.
Though I falter You’ve got me walking on water

I was sinking like a stone again…
I was halfway in the grave and then I looked up and saw Your face again…
You pulled me out of the water.”