Let me tell you something about me:
I am a control freak.
I struggle with perfectionism and anxiety. I wrestle with insecurity and doubts. On a good day, it’s good. On a bad day, it’s the end of the world, and I cannot see the point of anything, and there is nothing good.
I am not particularly eager to show others my imperfections, for people will think less of me.
When we finally were together after a long, long day. We each ate 3 beignets and there was not 1 regret had. 😀
And then I got saved. Jesus has changed my life entirely, and the closer I get to Him, the less I care what others think of me. I cannot fear rejection because I am already accepted and redeemed and bought by the Creator of the Universe. I love shouting what God has done in my life because I have nothing to be ashamed of. My insecurities or mistakes do not define me. I am defined by who I am in Him.
This story may seem small, but it is, in fact, a massive deal for me.
Surrender is hard when you want to control something. Anything. When your life seems spiraling out of control, you just wish to have THAT ONE THING to hold onto and be ahead of. JUST ONE THING.
My cousin Emily and I had planned a trip for just the two of us about a month ago.
She was going to surprise me by coming into town and then taking me somewhere.
I AM A PLANNER. I had two nervous breakdowns and had word vomit about things that had nothing to do with the trip. I’ve been a little stressed, to say the least.
Emily: “It’s just a trip…”
The next morning she texted and simply asked, “Are you better?”
“Yeah. I’m good. I let it out.”
The life crisis is real, y’all.
She’s good at adapting and moving forward. I dwell.
She is the peanut to my M&M.
Ok. We were going to Niagara Falls.
Yes. We planned to stay in New York, bring our passports, and explore the Canadian side as well. We also planned to go horseback riding. We planned on adventuring to places neither of us has been.
TO make a long story short, the day of the trip finally arrived. We were both packed and headed to the airport.
Due to bad weather, ALL OF THE AIRPORTS IN THE NORTHEAST WERE SHUT DOWN.
It was traumatizing.
We have not spent time together in a long time. She has two kids, and I have whatever I have going (a caregiver to my grandma). This was OUR trip.
She FINALLY made it to my city, and neither of us wanted to stay here. We’ve been here. She is from here, and I live here. We took off work to go AWAY. We do not want to see what we see all the time.
So. What do we do? We could spend the next few days moping at the house together.
Instead, we rented a car with no plans and went on a mini road trip.
Our first stop was Fort Walton, Florida, and we arrived late at night.
Locked at the beach. We had to call the Sheriff’s Office to get us out. We played too long.
I haven’t been to the beach in at least 15 years and I think put a bathing suit on twice in 3 years.
Dads are the best. ❤
When we got there, I ran to the gulf and swam in the water and my heart was happier than it has been in a long, long time.
We went back the next morning.
As I was swimming, I was praying. All I could think was how tightly I hold onto the plans I have for myself and keep holding on to the idea of how I feel my life should go.
God used this short trip to show me He’s in control. You see the grand plans you had for yourself? All the things you thought you wanted? All the big dreams you set up? Those were great ideas, but let Me give you want you need.
We stopped in Jacksonville on the way to Savannah and watched the sunset on the Atlantic.
I was running, wasn’t I?
He stopped my adventure and gave me what my soul so desperately needed. Not having a plan goes against everything I am about. I have never done that before. I cannot stand not knowing what comes next. My brain constantly searches for solid ground and stability. I had no idea where we were going or what we were going to do. I was along for the ride. As a Christian, that is what our walk is. It is enjoying the ride and trusting Him.
I swam in open waters under the stars, and then I swam in beautiful, clear waters in the early morning with a beach basically for ourselves. My soul was dancing. No, it was rejoicing. To top it off, I also got to be with my favorite person.
When you’ve been on a diet and eat at Paula Deen’s restaurant. That’s the face of happiness.
“Life is like a box of chocolates”…they moved the bench.
Real menu item at a diner. I just got a waffle… “Close your menus when you’re ready to order…”
We spent the day in Savannah and even got to ride horses.
The moral of this story is surrender. Life has seasons. This wasn’t just about the trip. For me, is it ever? There’s always a deeper meaning. God teaches me in so many ways using so many things. This was MY trip. This was MY get away. This was MY time.
Or was it?
We can forge our paths and wonder why we get hurt and heartbroken, or we can learn to trust His timing and will for our lives. We may not always agree or understand it, but He is always good. When He says to wait, you wait. When He says to go, you go. He has a reason behind it all. He restores all of our failures and makes them out for His glory. You can’t force something that is not meant for you.
It is not my life but His. It is not my time, but His. It is not my ways, but His. His will be done.
What a rest stop. Our break on our long journey home.
This is also the second year God has wrecked my travel plans and I ended up on an adventure with my favorite person. He has taught my heart to stay. He calmed the storms in my heart.
You can read that here:
Solo Montana: Rerouted
“It may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by You…”
Beloved Oath of God 