Jesus rescued me 4 years ago.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. – Ecclesiastes 3:11
4 years. It feels like an eternity and simultaneously feels like yesterday.
When you get to dog sit your dream dog.
I cannot even begin to explain the adventure it has been or the things He has taught me in only the miraculous ways He could have. I wouldn’t have ever imagined taking a solo trip to Ireland or to the Grand Canyon. I wouldn’t have imagined getting to witness miracles or knowing I’ve talked to angels. I wouldn’t have imagined being the person I am today although it was who I prayed to be. I wouldn’t have imagined all the ways God provided for me. I wouldn’t have imagined all the ways He protected me or defended me.
I do not even remember my life before then because none of it mattered. I did not come alive until Jesus came into my life. I was merely existing AND THEN SUDDENLY came alive.
It has been a lot of ups and downs. In the beginning it was wild because God was so OBVIOUSLY working in my life to get my attention and build my faith. There was miracle after miracle after miracle. Things I prayed for for years suddenly were unfolding. Also, in that time I was going to learn to endure. I was going to lose people in my life because they were only going to come between me and my new relationship with Jesus. People who were around for years no longer were. God was keeping me for Himself and isolating me. He was about to do extraordinary things and take my faith to higher levels. Because I knew without a doubt that He rescued me and that nobody could tell me anything else I became a fighter. Nobody else was there for me. Only God was.
And they were going to know about it.
He was the realest thing and best friend I could have ever dreamed and hoped to have. My loyalty was being proven because my usual quiet self would literally fight people about my Jesus’ character. He was opening my eyes ALL THE TIME and if I heard someone slander I was going to step in and set them straight.
Zeal without wisdom.
Then, He got quiet. There were no more loud cymbals or revelations. It was in the silence. It was now learning to trust. It was now studying His word and knowing He was with me. It was now a quiet season. With all of this going on and my heart being devoted to Him I still fought the flesh. Recently there has been some stress in my life that was building and building and building. But, what was happening was God heard my prayer. He was exposing me to me.
You see, because God was the only One there for me I became bitter towards people. At 30 years old I had become a grumpy, old man who built up walls with hatred. It was subtle and easily ignorable, but it was still there. I would react wildly to things and then wonder why or how to what I was doing. The more I prayed to be delivered from it the more things would come up and my attitude was horrendous. I was not a good example of a Christian. Before I was saved I would keep all my feelings buried. Well, now I have learned to express them. And I would express them all the time. People upset me and they were going to know about it.
What was happening to me? I didn’t know who this person was and I didn’t want to be her. She was an angry, bitter woman who could not be happy for anyone else’s joys. It got to be so bad that I knew God was going to have to do something INSANE because I was about to lose it.
When God crashes your grand adventure…
“Nothing good ever happens for me. This season will never end and this is my life that will never change” was me all the time. I was always crying or snapping because someone didn’t put something on the right shelf of the refrigerator or ate my chips. My prayers were never answered (that’s a lie). It was ALL ABOUT ME and what GOD WOULDN’T GIVE ME (when He gave me everything).
The devil tried to steal my joy by constantly pouring these lies into my head, but Jesus always wins. It is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me. I had recently read something that said, “Pay attention to what the devil is trying to keep you from and what God is trying to protect you from.”
AND THEN SUDDENLY. After months of begging God to change me and deliver me from all of this bitterness that was built up inside me He did. Overnight.
Day 1: Last Monday I spoke with a gentleman who was in a similar caregiving situation as me and it was one of the most comforting things just to know someone who understands. I had never spoke with him before, except for “Hellos”, but he talked with me for a long time.
“You cannot control it. You have absolutely no control over the situation. This is a good lesson for you because it is teaching you for later how to handle your emotions.”
I wanted to say, “This is me handling it?!?”.
After I talked with him I was better, but God wasn’t finished with me. It was only the beginning. The next night my cousin randomly texted me 1 Peter 1 and I read it for 3 days. Then, I realized the whole book of 1 Peter was written for me.
Over time I would tell my coworker that I was bitter and had been praying about it. That Thursday she sent me a sermon by Charles Stanley on Forgiveness from Undeserved Hurts (<— Youtube Link). I watched it two mornings in a row.
It was exactly what I had been praying about. I couldn’t have asked anyone to tell me a better sermon. I was free. It has been 4 days and I have not cried once since then. I have laughed and had joy and am thankful. I can rejoice in the exact same situation I was in. God was changing my heart. The more I prayed the more God was exposing my heart. He was exposing the bitterness in areas I had no idea that were there. That’s how He works. He turns up the fire. He refines us in the heat. He draws out our impurities and washes them away. He is in the waiting and the fighting. He is waiting for surrender.
I know God always protects me from what I think I want for myself knowing His will is what I pray to have. I want His destiny for me and not to settle for what I can see.
He always works in the background when we can’t see outside of the circumstance. He’s in the hills and the valleys. I don’t want to waste any more time thinking or wishing for things that are not for me.
A strong root is formed in darkness…
“REMEMBER YE NOT THE FORMER THINGS, NEITHER CONSIDER THE THINGS OF OLD. BEHOLD, I WILL DO A NEW THING; NOW IT SHALL SPRING FORTH; SHALL YE NOT KNOW IT? I WILL EVEN MAKE A WAY IN THE WILDERNESS, AND RIVERS IN THE DESERT.” – ISAIAH 43:18-19
I kept waiting for the ‘new things’ and the visible blessings in my life. New seasons couldn’t get here fast enough. I wanted the things I prayed for that hadn’t arrived yet. But, I had deep roots of bitterness that needed to be purged. You can’t go into a new season with your old ways. He’s creating this new thing. You have to forget the former things. They are behind you. It is gone. He is starting a NEW THING. BRAND NEW. So, with the new means you cannot have the old. He is preparing ME or YOU for this NEW THING and what the season holds. What is hold is unable to bring your former self. This new life prepared for you is waiting for you to surrender to what God is doing in you.
New wine cannot be put into old wineskins.
“WHEREFORE LAYING ASIDE ALL MALICE, AND ALL GUILE, AND HYPOCRISIES, AND ENVIES, AND ALL EVIL SPEAKINGS, AS NEWBORN BABES, DESIRE THE SINCERE MILK OF THE WORD, THAT YE MAY GROW THEREBY: IF SO BE YE HAVE TASTED THAT THE LORD IS GRACIOUS.” – 1 PETER 2:1-3
I am free.
I am becoming who God created me to be. God is stripping my old man away and continuously refining me. I am thankful and grateful even when my circumstances are the exact same from 1.5 weeks ago when my world was crashing and burning and couldn’t take another step.
“BUT THOSE WHO WAIT ON THE LORD SHALL RENEW THEIR STRENGTH; THEY SHALL MOUNT UP WITH WINGS LIKE EAGLES, THEY SHALL RUN AND NOT BE WEARY, THEY SHALL WALK AND NOT FAINT.” – ISAIAH 40:31
Jesus is everything. He is all I need. I am learning to be content. I am learning to be abased and to abound. Things I thought were gain to me I count as loss.
He is stripping me away and all that will be left is Him.
Beloved Oath of God 