“Do not ask God to guide your footsteps if you aren’t willing to move your feet.”

Just because you appear still does not mean you’re doing nothing.

I’ve waited so long for “new things to spring forth”.  I’ve also always been deathly afraid of change.  For new things to spring forth change of some sort is kind of required.

God has dealt tremendously with me on that because without change you cannot grow or move forward.  What is the most anxiety inducing aspect of change?  The unknown.

God says to fear not and that He will always be with me.  He will never leave nor forsake me.  If I truly believe that I would not worry or be anxious about the future because I would understand that He has it.  If I believe what I say, that I surrendered to Christ, then I believe I have given up my own control and put my trust in the One who created the stars and knows them each by name.

I’ve been thinking of how peaceful I am right now and that I never imagined myself ever being able to live this way.  The last season of my life honestly was begging God to take me because if my circumstances didn’t change, and nothing was working out no matter where I turned, then please…just end it.  Heaven is much better.  My friend would always say, “Say ‘use me’, homie… not take me”.  Use me requires work… taking me would just end it all.

Looking back I can see it as a step in my life and a season of refinement, growth, and (hopefully gaining) wisdom.  I learned to trust Him.  I learned to depend on Him.  I couldn’t move without Him.  My life was nothing.  I had no strength.  He was it.  God used it because I literally had to cling to Him for what seemed like every single second.

One of my favorite quotes is, “When you are hanging by a thread make sure it is by the hem of His garment”.

‘Hey Lord,
It’s me… again…’

I can only imagine that it was like a child in the car on a road trip asking “are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?” and God (maybe rolling His eyes… does God roll His eyes with exasperated sighs??) saying, “Almost.  You’re almost there. Just a little while longer…”

…Or also could be hanging on the side of a cliff and God saying, “let go” and you’re literally holding on with all your might terrified of the drop down below only to eventually HAVE to let go because you ran out of strength.  And He caught you mid air and screaming like a wild banshee …in His open arms one foot from the ground.  I’m telling you my walk with God has been interesting and I’m quite the stubborn one.

“FAITHFUL IS HE THAT CALLETH YOU, WHO ALSO WILL DO IT…”
– 1 THESSALONIANS 5:24

Don’t think for a second in my mind I was being dramatic…. it was honestly just that stressful to me. But, God was in it.  He was there saying, ‘Look up at Me.  Don’t look at others lives.  Don’t look or compare yourself to them.  Keep looking at me.  You are not behind.  You are not lost.  Nothing was wasted.  You are right where you are supposed to be.  You found Me.’

God knew what He was doing.  His thoughts are higher.  He knows our heart.  His ways are certainly not mine and I am so thankful.

I learned to ignore what the world says about my life and do what I know God told ME to do and not what other people say God told them to tell me to do.  That veil was torn.  I can go directly to my Heavenly Father.  People don’t understand that God may be dealing with you where you are or maybe they aren’t willing to go through what you are going through to get to the other side.  Sometimes, you need to remain faithful and stedfast even though you may appear to be still.  Your life can sometimes look stagnant on the outside, but the inside is being completely rebuilt from the bottom up.

He is in the middle of His restoration process… “Wait until she sees when I’m done.”

He knows the exact amount of time in a given season.  He is in no hurry.  Sometimes everything falls apart at the exact same time.  What feels devastating is actually the most beautiful time of all because it is there that you learn you have Him and that He is all you need.  He makes all things new.

While God can have you isolated for a season you are being refined and tested to be the person that is grown and ready for the next one.

I’ve already written of how God restored me while taking care of my Grandma.

When my grandma died I think I was so afraid of not taking care of anyone and could have been where the fear of unknown was.  Getting married was always next, but it was not next.  Didn’t God know this season was ending and that I had no idea where the next season would begin??

I wrote more about that here… Admitting the problem and finding out you’re free.

Boy, was I wrong.  God knew.  He knew I would be fine and to let go because it was just Him and me.

While my family called me “Nurse Ratchett” because of my over abundance of compassion and empathy (Yes, I hear your eye rolls or mental loud bits of laughter…) I apparently need to take care of things so I bought plants… and more plants… and more plants… and next thing you know I’m one step away from turning the backyard into a sanctuary and holding a “save the monarchs” sign.

Blog: I have a Butterfly garden: Just when the caterpillar thought its life was over…

I’m currently writing this in my journal while drinking coffee in my backyard on a Sunday afternoon in between reading “The Secret Garden” by Frances Hodgson Burnett.  I saw it last week while strolling through Barnes and Noble and realized I forgot to remember it.  I forgot what it was about at all and figured with my current gardening obsession perhaps it was there “for such a time as this”.

I also believe God can do whatever He wants.  He is sovereign.  He is in control of seasons and times for new things springing forth.  This also takes the new creature.  New things cannot spring forth if you are stuck in your old ways.  The new man is redeemed and transformed.  That person cannot drag baggage from the former things into the new seasons.

God can split seas and do what He wills, but sometimes doesn’t allow the new to come until our heart is changed and surrendered to HIS.  We are to be pure and undefiled.  We are to be thankful and choose gratitude wherever He has us.

When God says to let go of whatever it is we must understand it is for our benefit.  Whatever we are holding onto could be hindering us from moving forward and into the next season.  Not everyone can go where God is calling you to go.  Some people aren’t willing to grow into the next season.  Some are in your life for a season and some for a lifetime, but we are only to obey God and go where He sends us.

It’s learning to go when He says go and stay when He says to stay.