My gardenia is dead, my basil plant will be 3 this year, and my life is nothing like I ever imagined.

“FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU,” DECLARES THE LORD, “PLANS TO PROSPER YOU AND NOT TO HARM YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU HOPE AND A FUTURE.”
– JEREMIAH 29:11

This is what my 30 year old self looks like.  I would’ve never believed it if I saw the future when I was a little girl.

There is no wedding ring.  There is no husband or children.  There’s no white picket fence.

There is a blog: I have (almost) found the One my soul loves…

But, there is joy.

This morning as I was reading my bible I needed to purge some thoughts.  I realized I was being held back and they needed to be released.  “God already knows them so admit them to yourself, girl…”

Moving forward:

“I’m reading Genesis and also Isaiah, but to understand Isaiah I’m reading 2 Kings.  A couple years ago I would have been completely stressed out because I didn’t understand anything, but wisdom has taught me that God will teach you what He wants to teach you at the appropriate time.  This is a marathon and not a sprint.  This is a daily adventure and time getting to know my God.

Little seeds that are planted will one day spring open and “Aha!  That is what You meant!”  But, even if not in this lifetime, God is still God.

This makes me think of a boy I liked (it always goes back to that doesn’t it).  You can be nice and you can both like each other, but also be unequally yoked and realizing a goat is a goat and a sheep is a sheep.  You cannot make a goat a sheep.  That would be lust.  Why would I want to be with someone who has absolutely no interest in asking God how one chapter in Isaiah is connected to Genesis?

Not only that they would never be able to answer the 1,200 questions that are swirling in my head nor have any interest in trying.

Choosing who you marry is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make.  You are setting the course for your future.  You should be walking the same path.  You are choosing with one union the direction of the rest of your life.

You are choosing life or death.

If you plan to have children you are choosing the person that will shape their minds and hearts.  You are choosing who you will do life with and what you will partake in for the rest of your lives… until death do you part.

(No pressure.) 

Until then, I am Christ’s bride and He will answer my questions and He never tires of me.  I am finally content in waiting for what I desire instead of trying to force what I desire in the wrong one.  I am already a wife for God has made me one.

I am clothed in strength and dignity because my strength comes from Him.

I can laugh without fear of the future because my heart has learned to trust the One who has told me not to worry about anything, but to cast my cares on Him because He cares for me.”

That was written in my journal this morning.  My God tells me not to learn from man, but to be led and taught by the Holy Spirit.  If someone tells me something I am to test it against His Word and to test the spirits.

I am Christ’s bride hand picked by my indescribable, wonderful, unmatched, beloved Heavenly Father who chose me from the foundations of the world.  I have studied biblical marriage and it’s completely opposite than how the world portrays it.  If you compared the world’s view of marriage with Christ’s wedding feasts you would be confused about the metaphor because they don’t line up.

The Father chooses the bride and the Son goes to get her at the appointed time.  The engagement period is while He is away.  She must always be ready and willing to go at any time because she is not sure of the exact time He will return.  He is preparing the place for her at His father’s house.  He is getting it set up to be able to take care of her.  He knows who she is and she knows who He is.  Sound familiar?

Nobody told me I would understand what it means to be the Bride of Christ.  I would be spotless and without blemish.  I would be the temple of the Holy Ghost.  The Living God would be with me.

Nobody told me I would cry out to Him and He would come and cleanse this decrepit, sinful, vile temple and clothe me in righteousness (Isaiah 61:10-11) because He chose me from the foundations of the world and loves me.  Nobody told me that no matter how far I ran the Creator of the Universe would leave everything and come to find ME.

Nobody told me I would give up everything I wanted most (Philippians 3:7-11).

Nobody told me that at 30 I wouldn’t be married or have a career.  Nobody told me I wouldn’t even have a car and would be stripped of everything.  Nobody told me I would gain joy from my tiny little job.  Nobody told me I would chase Jesus and it would be an endless adventure. Nobody told me there would be no depths to how magnificent He is and I would never grow tired from reading the same chapter from the bible over and over and over.

Nobody told me I would have a small garden and raise caterpillars that would turn into butterflies.

Nobody told me I would have Jesus.  Nobody told me because it’s Him and me.  Nobody told me because this is personal.  Nobody told me because it’s not about them.

Even if they had told me I never would have believed real life could be this wonderful.

For some reason it is on my heart to not be scared to share my desires.  This is what they are.  To some I am too picky.  To most this will never be true and my standards are too high and I will never receive this.

To that I say they can worship their god and I will worship mine, but they are not the same.  The following is something I keep in my phone.  I wrote it a couple of years ago and it’s one of the most special things to me that has only been shared with a select few and also has been mocked because “It’s not real life”.

“But most importantly, you love God more than you could ever love me or anything else.  You don’t need me, but you want me.  You know God’s word like you breathe.  You walk in Spirit and in Truth and you don’t move without Him directing you.  You are firm in where you stand in your relationship with Him.

You are a fearless leader and only speak Truth.

I will know you when I find you because you will be a light and unlike anyone I’ve ever known because I have never known anyone like I’ve described in one person.

God is preparing my heart to be the woman that is able to be with what I desire. 

I feel like that means it could take a lifetime to find you because a lot of refining is happening at the moment.”

“DELIGHT THYSELF IN THE LORD AND HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART.” – PSALM 37:4

Even if not God is still God.  I am His and He is mine.

I want His will over mine.

Song: Riley Clemmons – Fighting for me Youtube

“When the going gets tough and my strengths not enough I see You showing up like never before.
This battle for my heart You took on from the start.
You are the peace when my mind’s at war.

You will never stop fighting for me when I can’t fight for myself.
Every word is a promise You keep ’cause You love me like nobody else.

You stand up for me in the darkest night.
When my faith is weak You’re still by my side.
You will never stop fighting for me.”