The last few weeks have been chaos… to say the least.  I’m sure everyone can relate.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. – 2 Timothy 1:7

I will be honest and say I have to remind myself of this and all of God’s promises and stand firm on what He says about worrying … 1,000 times more. God has delivered me from fear and anxiety and I refuse to go backwards.

Just because we are in confusing times and circumstances doesn’t change who God is.

But, the most chaotic to me is trying to understand why I haven’t  been spending time in the Word.  I could say I’m busy, but that’s not an excuse at all.  When I would read I couldn’t pay attention whereas before everything jumped off the pages.  Things would come out of nowhere left and right and I knew my father was constantly teaching me.

He’s blessed me with the best lesson and restoration process of my heart yet: “Jesus gave me a Brent” Faithful is He that calleth you that also will do it…  That would require its own series, so to keep this on topic that’s all I will say.

My life is filled with so much joy and I’ve prayed and waited so long for a season like this.  He answered me.  As I write that am wondering what I am worried about at all…?  I’m trying to remember the point.

I guess I lived so long at a high intensity I’m not used to being still instead of searching at Level: 1,000 at ALL TIMES.  I was obsessed with the Word.  He was constantly teaching me and I’d tear it apart and would throw fire at anyone who disagreed with the truth.  God has taught me to calm down and that it’s not my job to open people’s eyes so I guess I also took that as losing my zeal.

Nevertheless, my heart has been breaking over the most important relationship in my life.  It’s like I’ve lost a desire to read because I have to make myself pay attention.  I can’t.  It’s not there.  Why is He not revealing himself?  Why don’t the words jump off the pages?  Why is there not a subject I’m totally obsessed with that I have to uncover every stone until I find the answer?

I’ve listened to sermons and podcasts, but it’s not the same.  I want to be taught by my father.  I don’t need to listen to what others say… that’s the lazy way out.  I can be taught by Him alone, but He seems to be quiet.

The last couple of days I’ve listened to podcasts by 119 Ministries about life after death.  That’s not the point right now so I won’t get into that right now.

The point is it had me thinking in this current state I am not worthy of getting to spend eternity with Him.  Yes, I am saved and nobody can convince me I’m not.  I know what He did for me.  How could I ever deserve a life with Him when I can’t even pay attention or spend an hour in the mornings just me and Him?

But, as that thought crossed my mind another rushed in.  I am right… I am not worthy.  I deserve death and I deserve punishment.

I am not worthy of His glory or His presence.  But, the new man is righteous.  I am nothing, but His spirit living in me that was put there by Him because I am chosen and loved and adored by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and was baptized by fire and the holy ghost.

I live because He lives.  He doesn’t see ‘me’ for that person is dead.  He sees the new creature.  I am a child of the One true King and nobody can change that.

Nobody can separate me from the love of Christ.  I am sealed.  My hope is secured. And it has nothing to do with me or my righteousness.  It has everything to do with Him.  I am worthless, but He is worthy.  It’s not MY work, it is HIS and it has been finished.

My flesh fails.  This flesh and this body wants nothing to do with Him.  It just wants to get by, but the Spirit corrects and disciplines and draws us back.

A relationship takes two people and only one of us has moved.  He will never leave or forsake me.  He has not failed me yet and loves me just as much as the first day he saw me.

“THEN HE SAID TO ME, “PROPHESY TO THESE BONES AND SAY TO THEM, ‘DRY BONES, HEAR THE WORD OF THE LORD! 5 THIS IS WHAT THE SOVEREIGN LORD SAYS TO THESE BONES: I WILL MAKE BREATH[A] ENTER YOU, AND YOU WILL COME TO LIFE. 6 I WILL ATTACH TENDONS TO YOU AND MAKE FLESH COME UPON YOU AND COVER YOU WITH SKIN; I WILL PUT BREATH IN YOU, AND YOU WILL COME TO LIFE. THEN YOU WILL KNOW THAT I AM THE LORD.’” – EZEKIEL 37:4-6