I’ve been working on a blog all week trying to delicately write something.

I had paragraphs I kept proofing, but you know what?

I have been struggling and a lot of this post is from a text conversation with a friend.  I only added their responses which are italicized.

I don’t need fancy words or have to write a long novel because God’s truth is simple: let go and trust Me.  That is exactly what we already know but NEED TO BE REMINDED.  Why?

We hate that.  We want control.

We have a plan and a timeline and when things don’t go according to that plan or timeframe we start freaking out. Anxiety sets in.  We have to have this by this date so we can have that by that date so we can be doing this by this age.  God lets us make our plans and says “I’ll wait”.  Sometimes we get what we wanted only for it to lead to a disaster because God never said that was HIS plan.  His plans are good.  Our plans feed our fleshly desires and cares of this world.

You receive not because you ask amiss.

It’s easy to say let go… it’s easy to believe you have let go…. it’s easy to pretend you let go while living with internal strife because you keep side eyeing .. waiting for that one thing you never gave to God like you said or even thought you did.

We have ALL these plans, dreams, and desires for our lives that we can’t wait to have.  We need to have it now.  After all, life is short and we have no time to waste.  “If you can dream it you can achieve it.”
“The world is your oyster.”
“Chase after your dreams.”

Woah!  Hold up! Where is that in scripture?

God says HE knows the plans HE has for us (Jeremiah 29:11-12).

HE says to cast our cares on HIM because HE cares for us (1 Peter 5).

HE says to delight ourselves in HIM and HE gives us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4).

Scripture is filled over and over and over and over with waiting. Noah. Moses. Abraham. Joshua. Hosea. Job. Daniel. These people did not live their life for their own dreams.  These people were devoted for living out what GOD told them to do.  If you read in Exodus Moses didn’t even want to go.  He begged God not to send him for he wasn’t good enough… he was scared… and God said ok I’ll kill you and send someone else and Moses said “ok then…? I’ll go”.  God CHOSE Moses for the task.  Moses didn’t choose to go.

The entire point of Scripture has nothing to do with how we can help God or bring our desires to pass.  WE CANNOT HELP GOD.  I would never hope God relies on me like some religions say for my God is WAY bigger than me and I rely on HIM.  He is MY strength.  Why would I need a God who relies on me when I could do that myself… and end up an alcoholic or committing suicide buckling under the weight of life’s pressures.

The whole point of scripture is God’s plan of redemption through His son, Jesus Christ, (Yeshua- God who saves) and nothing else because man fell the second he was given a choice.

God was never in a hurry to put His plan in action.  To everything there is a season and purpose under heaven.

Everything given to us in between birth and death is a blessing by Him, but our life should always point to Him.  When you trust Him as savior that means HE is savior and not you.  Get out of the way.  Trust HIM.

We may have desires and dreams, but first our desire should be Him.  Seek FIRST the kingdom of Heaven and HIS righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you…

How God teaches us to depend on Him a lot of times in the Christian life is waiting.  It’s so frustrating isn’t it?  It can be difficult when years of what appears to be unanswered prayers pass.  Maybe decades go by, but time is nothing because He’s the eternal God.  What feels like millions of years to us may be a millisecond to Him.

“Why are you Doubting ?? Look at the way you speak…you speak confident and with wisdom then you doubt yourself. Life and Death are in the Power of the TONGUE..

Why you running from me ?? Who you gonna run to especially in times of disappointment ?? That’s one of your problems is that when times get hard you shut people out your life, you ready to run.  In marriage you have to push through these times and work things out and communicate with each other to have understanding.  I mean hey, if you wanna keep shutting down and running away when things get trying and deep, go right ahead.  You’ll always be running like Jonah until God puts you in a place to where you have nowhere to run…

…Because it’s easier to talk with someone who’s been there in life, who has a understanding about your situation…why do you shut me down and crawl inside the closet and hide ??”

Get you a friend who kicks you in the pants. Ha. I am so Thankful for the friends God provided for me because I used to do life alone.  I didn’t need anybody and that’s one of the biggest lies of the enemy: isolation is good.

You don’t think God was answering me through this friend?  He did.

I don’t know what His plan is for me.  You don’t know what His plans are for you.  The only thing we know is we can trust the plans are good and for our good.  We are waiting and serving the One true king.  He’s the King of Kings and LORD of Lords.  What better thing is there to wait on besides Him?

There has been an underlying issue I’ve had for years.  I’ve gotten so used to having anxiety and not being content in certain areas because that’s just how I’ve lived.  I prayed the other day after talking to a friend who told me

“His words says, ‘Trust Me, Trust in Me and My Words’.  It never says, ‘Don’t trust me, don’t never trust me “…there are some things you have to workout on your own.  There are things in your heart that you’re holding onto.  There’s a Trust Factor between you and God..you wanna Trust him but you are scared to fully Trust Him..

I know that because if you go back and reread all the texts you sent me I was alert and reading them all.  Now I’m telling you everything you told me and what’s going on…..Be Wise as a Serpent but Gentle as a Dove.”

You can know all the scriptures in the Bible. You can read and pray all you want.  But, you have to apply them otherwise you’re just running on empty.  He is the well that never runs dry, but you have to drink it … you have to let it satisfy you.  When someone who doesn’t know your struggles but has wisdom and discernment tells you about yourself… you have to say ok. I’m done.  God, rip the bandaid.

I was so tired of being anxious I considered talking to someone.  But, I also know I don’t NEED anybody except Jesus.  I didn’t want to be prideful, but He’s all I need.  He was the only one there for me when I needed someone most and I knew He could be there again.  Where was He?  Shame showed up.  I’ve been saved 6 years.  How could I say I’m a Christian and not trust Him?  What if He’s tired of me and said I’ve been here this long .. you’ve not trusted me yet?

“The more you hang onto something the more it’ll eat away at you and make you miserable…when you LET GO AND LET GOD, things begin to start turning around for the better… you have a Spiritual Insite and Discernment of things God has for you in the future, Amen. Confess your Sins to one another, confess your Sins to God and he will be Faithful and Just to forgive you.”

I went home and prayed.  I read Isaiah 40 our loud and asked God to show me what I’m holding onto.  Show me WHY I have all this anxiety and stress.  I can’t live this way anymore. Please help me so I can let this go and move on.

He did.

I realized my constant stress over “what’s next” stemmed from this underlying TERROR of my dad dying.  I had to find a better job.  I had to get married.  I had to do all these things right now because my dad was going to die… and I had already prepared and acting like he was already dead.  I was already moving forward.  I knew something was triggering it but couldn’t figure it out because that’s just how life went.  I was praying because while I didn’t understand the source kept praying and knowing “what’s next” will never make me happy.  Please let me be content now.  If I’m not content now and I have no real problems I’ll never be content.

My dad and I have been through so much together.  My mom died when I was 19.5 after a whole lifetime of illness.  We took care of my grandma until she died last January and the one person who was always there in the midst of it died this April.  There was so much tied together and as soon as God showed me I ran to my dad and told him I was sorry.  I’ve never been content at home which is the whole reason I’m still home.  God wouldn’t let me move forward or do anything because I asked amiss.  I had to learn to be still and trust HE was provider.  In the learning to be still I still couldn’t be still.  I never enjoyed anything TRULY because this thing was in the background causing me true distress.  My hair is rapidly getting grayer and my dad would always tell me stress kills people.

I am only going to be 32 this year.

It freed me up.

I actually feel better.  Hidden sin wreaks havoc … it can kill you.

My dad … and everyone else on the earth WILL die one day.  Worrying about it does not change that fact.  Worrying does not make him stay here a day less or day more.  Worrying only robbed me of any joy enjoying the time my dad is still here.  It only got in the way because to me it didn’t matter … he was going to die and leave me so why create memories.

God gave me this time.  He wouldn’t let me move forward because I had to face this time and enjoy, not push away my dad.

It’s a new day.  His mercies are new every morning.

Ask and you shall receive.

Seek and you shall find.

Knock and it will be opened unto you.