What has God done for you lately?

I can’t even begin to explain what He has done for me, but I want to try.  This story is only one of so many.

“And there are also many other things which Jesus did, the which, if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the books that should be written. Amen.” – John 21:25

You see, I’ve always felt detached from everyone.  I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about not wanting to get close to people because they either die or leave. A story of one of the best-worst things to happen to me.

Let’s be blunt and kindly mention that is an extremely toxic view of life.  Having discernment of who to be around and being afraid to form relationships with people are two different things.  “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Tim 1:7)  We, as Christians, were not made in the image of God to be an island and closed off to the world.  While we live in the world we are set apart from it.

“Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.” – Matthew 5:14-15

I used to keep everything smothered on the inside being “dead inside”.  After Jesus found me I had gone from being numb to having all the emotions at one time and needing to learn how to control them.  I went from never speaking my mind to finding my voice and having to watch what I say.  I went from never crying to not being able to stop crying.  I went from never leaving my house to going on solo trips.  I went from never needing anyone to God canceling a trip to Glacier National Park and rerouting me to my cousin’s house in Texas because I suddenly needed a friend.  Solo Montana: Rerouted

When someone rescues you wouldn’t you defend them at every cost?  I used to set people on fire when they disagreed about my Jesus.  I have miraculously recently learned to shut my mouth knowing HE is MY defender.

It has taken a long time for God to break down the fortress that was build around my heart.  It’s been a 6 year drag-em-out process of being torn apart to God restoring me one tiny step at a time.  

There has been so much refining done to my heart that I know what it means to be born again.  When you devote your life to Christ you get a brand new start.  You can never be that person again because He revolutionizes you and are a new creature.  He’s chipping you away until all that’s left is Him.

Looking back, I wish I’d learn these lessons sooner because it would’ve made my life so much easier and could possibly be more ahead in life. But, the truth is I’m right where I’m supposed to be and nothing is ever wasted.  Some of us are more stubborn and God knows what it takes to truly surrender.  

When your heart has been shattered (and there is not one size fits all for that to happen) it’s easy to want to avoid that pain ever again.  I decided I never needed anyone because the only One I truly need is God.  While that’s true we can’t cut ourselves off from life.  Sometimes, He provides people to do the blessing.

If He chose He could put whatever you’re asking for in your backyard with no idea how it got there.  He could put all the pieces of your broken heart back together with one spoken word.  He doesn’t need anyone to perform the miracle nor does He need any of us for anything at all.  He created the universe and all that is in it with the help of NONE OF US.  He created bird of the air, fish of the sea, and breathed life into man he created from dirt.  He spoke light into existence.  Our tiny minds just can’t fathom that.  It wasn’t made to.  But, sometimes, it’s a process we have to go through.  If change were easy we wouldn’t change. (I took that quote from a friend. 😊)

Who are we that He is mindful of us??

But, He chose us.  He wants us just for Himself.  He created a body giving each person a unique gift as described in 1 Corinthians 12.  The body cannot function without all the parts no matter how “insignificant” they may appear.  The body of Believers doesn’t dwell in a building made with hands.  His church is made up of individuals living their life following Jesus.  This body doesn’t follow what an organization tells them to do.  They don’t move when a corporation tells them to or study what a greedy pastor may tell them for his purpose.  

This Body follows the ways of Jesus Christ and allows Him to work the way He sees fit.

Sometimes life can make us jaded and we forget this.  It’s easier to do life alone because things get complicated when people get involved.

I type in generic terms knowing not everyone is a burden, but it is so important to use wisdom and discernment for the company we keep.  The devil is out seeking whom he may devour.

I lived most of my life with this closed off mindset.  I was always ‘overprotected’ (aka loved by my parents), naive, and told I was “sweet”.  I also struggled with insecurity and boundaries allowing people to take advantage of me.  These people who used me were not there for me when I needed someone the most.  (Depression can also alter our outlook and maybe we were rejecting the only help they could provide.)  I chose bitterness.

“Create in me a clean heart, o God”

During the toughest time of my life I didn’t need anyone and especially rejected the idea of anyone helping me.  I would not allow anyone to run me over again nor let them ever tell me I owed them something because they helped me.  Warning: When you choose setting up boundaries for yourself you lose a lot of “friends”.  God had me isolated for a season.  It was a long season.

All of this was said to get to my main point: in 2016 He God took my car away from me.  It was an excellent car… a 1997 beautiful green Honda Accord.  A symbol of my independence.  People may think I’m crazy for saying that, but I’ve always believed He took my car away.  If you’ve never experienced not having one it is a giant slice of humble pie.  It gave me more time at home and I would read my Bible ALL THE TIME.  He took it at a time He knew would be the biggest test of my life.  It would question everything God taught me about Himself … so He took my car and planted me in His word.

During this time He would use it to repair my relationship with my dad.  Like I said earlier He doesn’t waste a thing. 

I lived at home, but due to life circumstances, had no relationship with my dad.  We lived under the same roof, but never talked… except for yelling.  This is better explained in the post Matthew 10. Matthew 10: When only God can restore your relationship with your dad.

“Weep not for the memories …”

I remember one time I stormed out of the house shouting “I don’t need anybody” and went for a drive.  I would quickly eat those words.

Driving home over the bridge I heard clanging.  I didn’t catch it at first because my air condition was broken and had the windows down.  Add in a broken muffler.

“That’s my car?!  Please just get me off the bridge.”

I immediately knew this was God teaching me a lesson.  He would not allow His child to act this prideful, angry way.

I made it off the ramp losing the power steering.  I coasted down the street into a Wendy’s parking spot and my car died leaving me to make a decision.  My pride was so great leaving the house would I cast it down to call my dad because I needed help?  But I made such a big deal about not needing anyone.

Sigh… with tightly closed fists I called my dad.  He came to the rescue and we had to call a tow truck (who didn’t charge me the full amount).  This situation was a miracle all around.  I would later find out the timing belts broke off.

My car became such a money pit and seemed to have been begging me to let go it… finally committed suicide.

One day I drove it to the gym parking it in the garage next door.  I planned to park on the 4th floor, but only made it to the 3rd.  I knew my car wasn’t leaving that garage.

I went to a friend’s wedding in Colorado that weekend, leaving the car in the garage, where my dad and I had a great bonding experience pushing it down the ramps to the tow truck waiting at the bottom.  (If you haven’t noticed I have a really great dad.)

‘Green Honda’ took a ride to the junk yard.

I loved that car.  That 1997 Honda Accord wasn’t worth much, yet it was priceless to me.  Everyone gave me such a hard time about it, but I didn’t care.  I overheard the guy at the junk yard talking to my dad they would crush it to which I gasped “You’re going to go outside and give it a hug and tell it you love it every day, right???”

Cue a sarcastic smirk: “right”

Now, I had to rely on others for help.  I walked to the grocery or dollar store near my house or waited for the weekend where my dad and I would go together.  My dad works in the middle of the night and would take me to my early morning job.  It was a silent ride for a while.  

I couldn’t ‘run’ anymore.

One day, when he realized I was about to have a nervous breakdown, offered to take me to the park (my favorite park ‘across the river’).  I was quiet the whole way there and when a lady was taking her time getting out of the parking space I literally jumped out of the car.  There was no time to wait.  I bolted out of the car and onto the trail.  Not only that “don’t fence me in” was my mindset so I left the park and walked around the city making a giant loop back to the park.  Freedom.

As you can see there’s a lot of things God was going to do to my heart in the process of taking my car.  This month will make 4 years not having one.  But, I learned to save money as if I didn’t have a job.  A friend recently reminded me of the times I said I treated myself and I was laughing so much.

Her: “You did though!  You and your ‘I splurged on coffee’ ‘What coffee did you get?’ ‘Cafeteria’ ‘AIMEE WHY NOT GET THE GOOD STUFF’ ‘It’s $0.65’ AIMEE. I’ll never forget that while I drank my $4 coffee like ‘AIMEE BUT COFFEE CAN BE SO GOOD’ And you’re like ‘But I have a basement like scrooge now thanks to my $0.65 coffee’

Me: I don’t intend to stop this behavior but I have let go some and buy some stuff. ‘Life is short and I want this and I’m not actually poor. 🤔”

I learned the value of delayed gratification.  I learned to live off of canned beans and coincidentally eating more vegetarian based meals which led to accidentally bettering my health.  (No. I am not vegetarian.)

I would learn so much about Him and His ways.  He would teach me to stay, how to deal with my problems instead of jumping in the car to cool off, and how to be content.  I was going to learn how to let others in and letting them help and how God was my true provider.  I would learn it’s ok not to be ok and that it’s ok to ask for help.

Another form of freedom: my bicycle.  My bike had gotten a flat.  I messed up the gears and my coworker kindly fixed my mistake one time.  Have you ever changed a rear bike tire?!  Stress.

The next time it happened I told myself i wasn’t fixing it.  I was tired of all my things falling apart and needed to break down and just buy something.  God would provide a bike for me and when He did I would let go and throw out the old one.  Nobody knew I needed a bike and I didn’t tell anyone about any of it because it’s not a big deal. What’s to bring up?  I had the bike thought one day and never thought of it again.  He would provide.

“Why are you taking everything?!”

A friend called me one day and said she bought a new bike and asked if I would like to have her old one.  Yes, you read that right.  This same friend is who I wrote about a month ago who was told she would never have a baby and after 5 years called that she was pregnant. Blog: The Dr. said <1%… but, God…  We both knew exactly what this bike meant and it wasn’t about the bike.  It was about God’s provision and it was one of the most exciting things to both of us that nobody could understand.  On the way to pick it up I thought “she’s so much taller than me?  But it’s ok.  It’ll work out.”A girl and her miracle bicycle…

When I got to her house she mentioned the bike was too small for her.  We were both so giddy and her husband and my dad just stood there.  I’m laughing thinking about it.

She asked what I was going to name it.  She said it had purple lights and was purple passion.  I quickly laughed, then gasped: “Esther”.  Trust, Obedience, and royalty ‘for such a time as this’.

God knew all of this and set it up.  He knew he would provide a bike and how he would do it.

Flash forward a few years and I still don’t have a car.  “Esther” got a flat and my neighbor across the street threw out her bike.  I ran and got it!  I don’t normally dig in people’s trash…

I’m still at the same job.  I’d been a caregiver all my life and was looking for the door to open where I could move to Colorado and live alone on a mountain where nobody could talk to me.   In 2019 I would gain a second job that would change my life: working with my buddy who has Down’s syndrome.  God cut off my Colorado plans for the time being and provided the best way He knew would fix my heart.  He could’ve changed me in a second, but instead knew a process would be better.  I would learn all the lessons that would be wrapped in a special package of working with someone who has special needs.  

He has a way of melting the most frozen of hearts.  Like Olaf says in frozen, “some people are worth melting for”.  He softens you up.  You learn patience and self control.  He may get upset, but he never holds a grudge.  You can’t have outbursts of anger even though at times things can be really frustrating.  He teaches you to enjoy the simplest things.  My life has changed dramatically working with him.

One extra chromosome changed my life…

In April this year I lost a close family friend.  The impact of that altered my life.  I questioned everything and really wrestled trusting God.  My life was headed in one direction and I had to learn how to trust Him when ‘the plan’ was blown to pieces.

It’s been 5 months and a lot can happen to your heart in that time… you can either grow bitter or grow better.  I let go of my expectations of my life.  I truly surrendered and started walking humbly with my God.  I was so tired of living the way my life was.  Sometimes you just say enough and truly want what God has.

In Jeremiah He said “I know the plans I have for you”… not “I know the plans you have for yourself so let’s do that”.  No.  His plans and my plans are not the same.  His plans are always for my good and He will not bless me with something I am either not ready to have or is for my own selfish gain.

I learned what Peter meant in John 6…

“Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away? Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.

And we believe and are sure that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God.” – John 6:67-69

Where else would I go?!  Jesus rescued me.  My life got flipped upside down and inside out and I already have tasted His sweet mercy and grace.  Nothing could compare.  Where else could I possibly go?  I have to wait on Him.  I have to trust Him even when I can’t see.  Where would I turn except to Him?

About a month ago when I truly surrendered things started turning around.  I started cutting off anything that wasn’t for me.  I didn’t play around.  I asked God to cut off anything that was in the way of Him and things were popping up left and right, but I wasn’t afraid to deal with it anymore.  I was willing and ready for a new thing and my heart would be the new thing.  I had a meltdown over soup and a rental car: “If you think you’ve messed up God’s plan; you, my friend, are not that powerful.”

A miracle took place after the most unbelieving time for me where my flesh totally took over.  I thought it was done.  God has taken everything from me.  Come on… there had to be a way.  Please?!

“And suddenly”.

The same week I had a meltdown over soup and the rental car someone offered to help buy me a car.

YES, YOU READ CORRECTLY.

At first I said no and then learned there were three people who separately had the idea and came together.  

“…in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.”- Matthew 18

I burst into tears.  This was between me and God the whole time.  He took my car to restore me and now He was providing in the most miraculous way.  I had been saving money over the last 4 years waiting to settle on something I could afford… and now someone was offering to provide for a better one.

He did it the only way He knew I would accept the blessing.

A few weeks later my neighbor, who had told me (before the money blessing) they were selling their old car, wanted to GIVE me this car.  I can use this car to get to work until I find the right car for me.

God has provided every which way for me.

You know what else?  The car from my neighbor is a 2006 Honda Accord.

When I test drove it instantly felt at home.

He doesn’t miss a thing.

He is in the waiting.  He’s in the refining and the difficult and the “I can’t go anymore”.  He holds our hands and says “Just wait until she sees what I have in store.  If she would just let go of her plans and ideas and let Me do it.”