Honesty: I have not been reading my bible as I should, and with an entire summer off, it gives absolutely NO excuse whatsoever.

I am also in a joyful season, which is confusing because I spent most of the time after getting saved (metaphorically) clobbering people over the head. I spent a long time ripping my bible apart, and God opening my eyes left and right, I never came up for air. I am an intense person who has trouble relaxing. If I am not worrying about something, I am worried. Not spending time in God’s word increases anxiety because my mind goes to the world, which only shows what is lacking. My dad told me recently I need to enjoy this season and not worry about losing my zeal. FYI not fighting with atheists all day does not mean you have lost your zeal, but maybe you have gained wisdom in not casting your pearls before swine.

Carrying on.

A few changes in my life out of my control caused some anxiety over the summer, but God already knew it would happen, and I have no reason to worry about it. He goes before me and already has the situation covered. Losing my footing in one case had me wondering about other things I have no control over. Before you know it, we are full-blown in crisis mode over hypothetical situations.

This morning I had enough. When we start feeling guilty about not spending time with God, the enemy throws in more thoughts over why we should not, and then shame sets in. I have learned that in those times when I do not feel worthy to pray is the most critical time I need to pray. If you give the enemy an inch, he will take a mile, and before you know it, you are doing things you regret. On my walk, I started talking to God. I started thanking Him for all He has done in my life and apologizing for not spending time with Him. I named things He has given me and miracles I have been blessed to witness. I mentioned I do not lack anything and that I have nothing without Him. I have done nothing on my own, and He has built my life and provided all I have. What right do I have to worry about anything when ‘my God has provided all my needs according to His riches in glory’?

It had been a while since I talked to God, and the longer you go without talking to Him no matter the reason, the more you feel like you shouldn’t or that He may not want to talk to you.

I was so glad to talk to Him and thank Him for wanting me.

Suddenly, scriptures about anxiety started coming to mind…
“Casting all your care on Him because He cares for you…”
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication…”
“Do not worry about your life…”
“I have learned in whatever state I find myself to be content. I know both how to be abased and how to abound. Whether I am full or hungry.”

As these scriptures came to mind, I realized I had not read them in a long time but that God was literally talking to me.

He never leaves us on our own. I was speaking out loud, talking to God, and He answered me. The creator of the universe was talking to me. He loves me so much and promised never to leave me, and I was thankful the New Orleans heat had me sweating so much to disguise my crying possibly.

Do you understand? I did not have a car for four years. The year I lost a close friend we prayed to be healed is when God started doing everything. The same week I had the biggest meltdown of my life over God forgetting me could be in the Guinness Book of World Records, two people wanted to give me a car.

God gave me a car and gave me a new job shortly after, which I never felt qualified for. At the shakiest time for my faith, He fulfilled His promise to let me see a miracle, and my barren friend was to have a baby.

What right do I ever have to think He has forgotten me or to worry about my life? I do not have control over my life because I surrendered it to Him. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. His ways are always so much better than we could ever imagine. He has changed my heart and softened it to love like He loves. I never imagined my heart could be where it is right now and it has a long way to go. The old me could never imagine the life I am living now and would not believe it is real for that girl would have never allowed it. She would have blocked all these blessings out of fear of vulnerability.

This morning I talked to God, and He talked back. There is no other for me, and I have to re-learn this over and over.

He is the lover of my soul. He is my savior. He was the one who saw me at my worst and still chose me and loved me. He is the one who wanted me when I never belonged anywhere else. He is the one who gave me purpose. He is the one who walked in when everyone else walked out. He is the one who never gives up on me and continues to pursue me when I deserve to be cast aside. He is the one who knows all my darkest thoughts and continues to fight for me and show me He will never leave.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He leads me beside still waters.

“Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
– Romans 8:37-39