My last few posts were about a new adventure with Match.com after a Hurricane Ida evacuation life crisis in which a gentleman with a handlebar mustache caught my eye.

I have always been against online dating because I wanted an old-fashioned bible meet-up and have said God can drop a man through my roof if he wanted. However, I am not out harvesting grain in a field and do not have any water wells nearby as I live in a city, so it’s a bit different. With that said, I can buy bread at the store and “fetch” a bottle of water, I guess. Honestly, going into this, I wanted to try and be unlike myself because I am single and know part of my problem is me and am forcing myself to “try new things”. Yes, yes, we “wait for God’s timing,” and the dating pool is more like a cesspool, but add being a Christian to the mix, and you may as well list yourself under “old maid” or “lady with the foil hat who talks to herself and spits.” After getting saved, I went from a mute to a person with the inability to be quiet, and the book of James seemed to get louder and louder. I was always too shy to speak up for myself, but God gave me a purpose, and I learned to share my opinions and had to learn to control my tongue, which was so strange. Nevertheless, seven years ago, I was saved, and my dad has told me in recent years, “if I were a young guy, you would scare me”. So, I’m trying to back off and not set everyone on fire.

I say all of that to add I have also been an experience being a Christian falling for an unbeliever because I am still a human being. We were perfect for each other in every sense except for the whole God-hating part. Through lots of waiting, prayers, tears, and refinement, I know I never ever want to be in that situation again as long as I live. While God could have opened his eyes in the blink of an eye, learning to trust Him and want His will more than mine was the great lesson learned.

“Mustache Man” is an extremely intelligent, kind, religious guy. I say that because he went to church but did not have a relationship with God. I tend to scare people off by being myself and setting things ablaze with bible facts, so I decided to go the opposite route. I didn’t speak up at all.

I wrote about our first date disaster, and because we survived it and, to be fair, agreed to go on a second date. However, I never had a peace over the situation because I had discovered the lack of prayer life/desire for God early on. I should have cut things off then, but I was “trying” and waiting it out.

We were supposed to go on a date this weekend, and we had plans.

Last night I talked to a friend about it, and she said, “You don’t sound excited at all.” and after going back and forth about it wondered what I was doing.

“You don’t have to go.”
“Yes, I do. I already agreed and made plans.”
“No, you don’t. It sounds like you know exactly what you’re waiting for.”

And with that came freedom. For a few weeks, I waited and prayed about handling this situation without coming off as condescending or scaring him off. I kept asking God how I could bring things up with no real answer. While reading this post, I know what you are thinking, but you do not truly know how intense I am. Insert scary face emoji.

I had mentioned a few God stories to him that happened in my life to test the waters, and there was no response. This means there was no understanding or depth. I questioned maybe he was just a quiet guy, knowing the truth was that wasn’t it. The unfair advantage this poor guy had was the PTSD I had from other experiences. I knew I could not go through that again and did not want any more lessons. “Please, God, no… I got it.”.

I tossed and turned all night because I hated to bail, but at an extremely early hour of the morning sent a text filled with word vomit and all the things I should have said. It was a genuine and friendly text of what a great guy he is, but that spiritual difference is something i could not handle, knowing the ending will be painful.

He responded quickly, which kind of made it worse, stating he understood and had fun. I am not out to attack this man, but am simply stating the major lesson I have learned and learned that I truly learned it. haha!

My job is to follow God. It is not my job to change anyone for I cannot.

There are so many things I am grateful for. I cried on the way home from school, knowing the heart changes God has made. I went from having a heart of stone to a heart of flesh. After being a caregiver and losing too many people I loved, I didn’t think I could love someone.

Through various experiences, God answered my prayer, and now I work with babies, which is the ultimate definition of love. The only thing you can do for babies is to love them. They are so innocent and vulnerable and bring the most uncomplicated joy. If you love them, then you will take great care of them. Not only am I taking care of babies, but I signed up for a dating website. While it is not about the dating website, and I still can’t believe I did that, it proves that I am willing to try new things and consider getting close to someone.

A step is a step no matter how small.

And I updated my match profile to herd out the weak. 🙂

Then I said, I will not make mention of him, nor speak any more in his name. But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was weary with forbearing, and I could not stay.
– Jeremiah 20:9