What a blog title! While I do not typically use this language in my blog or in real life, it was in a dream I had this week, and an old friend was over for dinner; while I was talking, she looked at me and bluntly asked, “who the hell are you now??” and then got up from the table and ran away.

When I woke up, you can imagine that I was a bit startled and appalled, but I knew I must have been thinking of what God had done in my life and also how I tend to repel people.

I was more confused about it than trying to make sense, so I told Ryan about this, whose response was, “The way I took your dream is that you have changed so much that people who once knew you would no longer recognize the new you. …Also, good riddance to the people who can’t handle the new you.”

I was leaning toward that as I have been thinking of the new creation God has made me and how far he has brought me since being saved. I had a pretty tough week allowing circumstances to run me over when I finally exploded and had to talk out my feelings, whether or not my feelings were true, as my anxiety makes mountains out of molehills.

Mental Break Why do we say mountains out of molehills? Molehills are small, but moles create an entire underground tunnel system. In the Winnie the Pooh cartoon, the mole character even had a headlamp, so much work was going on. (Edit: After a quick search realized the cartoon character was a gopher, thus opening several more internet tabs reading the difference between a gopher and a mole.) Am I overanalyzing this or no? Maybe we need a new phrase because this seems like it could create more chaos than relieve anxiety. “You’re creating something out of nothing?” Nothing? Really? There seems to be more than ‘nothing’ happening, much like the tunnels and depths of my mind. The problem may seem small on the surface, but mass chaos runs deep. This could be a blog in itself. Moving on…

I immediately felt relief after having an explosion of thoughts where I usually realize how insane it sounds as it pours out of my mouth.
“Why do you feel that way??”
“I don’t know.”

It’s an anxiety trick I learned that was happening in real-time. When you start having anxious thoughts ask yourself, “Who told you that?” Most time, nobody told us, and we made it up.

Much like why you need to poke holes in spaghetti squash before cooking, it is why you cannot bottle up everything inside. The pressure needs to go somewhere or else you’ll have spaghetti squash everywhere after it blows up.

My problems usually are much more significant in my mind than in reality, where I get trapped in my head, pouring gasoline on the flames.

The difference since knowing Jesus is learning to confront issues instead of running away from them. The easiest thing to do would have been to leave my situation and say I could not handle something. Instead, I vented and was listened to, being asked, “What can we do to help you?” and heard, “You’re not alone in this. We are a team.” While my mind created extreme scenarios, thinking no one should help me, the reality is I was given options for relief.

I work in the school system and am currently taking care of infants, which can be challenging at times. I’ve taken care of all kinds of age groups in life and love my buddy Brent with Down’s Syndrome. I love the infant room for several reasons and feel so blessed to be given a chance to watch these little ones grow up. However, it is giving me a run for my money, and I am ever thankful for my teacher, as she’s one of the most incredible human beings I’ve ever met. While I am not a mother yet, have learned a tremendous amount and love how they learn who their caregiver is. One of my older babies started with us when he was four months old and will be a year this April. He is my first actual “baby baby” that I’ve gotten the chance to watch grow up and witness milestones. I could go on and on about him, but for relevance and length sake will try not to… ha. Overall, he is a happy, funny little guy except when he is tired or hungry. Because he is usually happy, you can tell he gets confused about his emotions and crawls around in despair, looking for a place to crash. What is sweet is that he crawls with every effort he has left to me, knowing I am the one who takes care of him and is looking for solace and comfort. He still freaks out about his bottle coming to which I ask him, “It’s coming, Bud. When have I forgotten you? Why are you so panicked??”

Of course, I see the lessons God is teaching me with every job or every situation I’ve been in. While I have been feeling alone and stressed, I look at these babies and learn more and more about why God uses analogies of having faith like a child. They are dependent on their caretaker with the complete trust that they will be taken care of. They are pure and innocent and do not see danger, for all they know is “good,” which is why ‘offending’ them brings grave consequences from God. One example of change God showed me recently was driving to school one morning listening to a pastor who shares the gospels at abortion clinics. I have always been against abortion, but my new experience working with infants made it personal. I wept the entire time I was driving, thinking of my sweet babies and how innocent they were. I could not imagine the world without them as they are each so special. This post is not about abortion, but this godless society is being taught with absolutely no value for life, not seeing human life being destroyed.

I never saw myself taking care of infants. I know I write that often, but it is truly mindblowing as it is a job I said I would never do. I started off knowing nothing about them and am rapidly learning so much. God destroyed my fear by throwing me into a field of landmines learning to either dodge each one or how to detonate them. Working in a nursery is just putting out fires all day or seeing a small flame and extinguishing it before the entire room is engulfed in flames. Also, infants have no mercy. You cannot explain that you are helping someone and will be with them in a minute. They are impulsive and need help ‘now’.

This change has led me to think of all God has done in my life and how faithful He is. He wants me to come to Him with all my cares and concerns so He can comfort me. He puts all the flames out and takes care of my every need. I’ve put so much pressure on myself lately, trying to plan for the future and worrying I was too late ‘starting over’. It is never too late to start over in life, and with Jesus, His mercies are new every day. I cannot look back at my life choices and have regret for everything that led me to Jesus, and He is who wiped the slate clean so that He could rebuild it with His name all over it. Nothing that has happened in my life has been “Aimee”. Every blessing or good that has come is strictly from Him, and I deserve none of it. I’ve truly learned to trust God and am continuing to do so. The Word says we grow from glory to glory, and I no longer “look to see how far I have to go, but look how far I’ve come”. I am so thankful for my new life and everything He has taught me.

I was saved in 2014 and am truly a new creation. I can never be that girl again, and I don’t think I could ever be more grateful or dwell too long on it, knowing that. I never want to see that person again, but I’ve learned to forgive and not hate her for wasting her life in depression and worry because Jesus worked it all out for good and gave me a new life of hope.

It’s true what my friend Ryan said about my dream. The people in my past are where they need to be and would not recognize me as I hardly recognize myself. I’ve grown so much and learned to depend on God, and it’s only by His grace I am what I am. No matter what I’ve lost, He has always given me His grace and plan in return.

“Who the hell are you now??”
Answer: God’s creation. That’s who.

I have a new life doing things I’ve always wanted to do and trying new things. I’ve traveled alone, restored furniture, and made my first real project last weekend! I bought a Keurig at a thrift store for $7 and remembered my grandma’s “mug tree” from when I was a little girl. A quick google search later and I made my own.

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I like the person God is making me and I do not say that with vanity. I’ve never liked myself and always wrestle with never being good enough for myself. I like who I am because God it is someone I’ve always dreamed of being and it’s only by His grace. I am being shaped in His image, and “Aimee” is being chipped away one bit at a time.

I am also thankful because without becoming this person would not have met my friend Ryan.

Mark 11: Sometimes you’re the mountain that needs to be moved