In what should be the most joyful season of my life thus far, I’ve been letting the enemy’s lies creep in and steal my peace. I’ve hit bottom and had everything taken away but miraculously restored in the only way God can over the years.

In the last year, I got a car, drove across beautiful America, was thrown into a better job, and gifted the best boyfriend that has ever existed. Why am I upset?

Desires of the heart: When God sends you on a cross-country road trip with your favorite person— and two kids.

It’s a mixture of my personality and an enemy who is not for me. I am very critical of myself and everything I do. I will never be good enough for myself, and that’s a constant battle I live with and just how it is. While I am more of an organized mess, I have some of my dad and grandma’s ‘Type A’ personality. God has done wonders on my heart to soften it and let go, but on the flip side of this is realizing there is an enemy who plants seeds of doubt. Only I have the choice to believe it or what God says. It is easy to ignore thoughts sometimes as Americans tend to be busy and fill their time with work, entertainment, relationships, etc. It’s easy to get overwhelmed and slowly let the lies increase.

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.- 1 Peter 5:8

It doesn’t happen overnight and with sirens. It happens over time and subtly. It’s one distraction after the other until finally, you’re left feeling alone and that God is not for you. Allowing one lie to creep in opens the door to more doubt and disbelief.

I’ve been writing about how stressed I’ve been at my job and how I suddenly handed in my resignation last week and had instant peace. I was given a job at a great school that was a miracle and answered prayer. I learned a lot but knew I would not always be in this position as I went from not knowing anything about infants and avoiding them my entire life to being an infant room teacher taking care of six infants at once! Grace was having an angel of a co-teacher who taught me all I know about infants today! Sleep sacks! Routines! Bottle warmers! Sleep schedules! Wake windows! Dr. Brown bottles vs. whatever the annoying silicone material bottle is made up that scald the bottle, but does not warm the milk! I’ve learned so much in 9 months which is ironic when you think of the timing. Side note: My future children will be on the exact schedule my school babies were on, and a picture of my coworker on the wall.

However, I’m not built for the stress of daycare. All I had to do was make it through summer to potentially move to another grade. The mind games were so intense that the only relief I had was resigning, and the irony is now that the pressure is off, I joked today I could be my substitute. “What??” I will miss my babies so much. After all, I was blessed to have a hand in raising them, watching them grow up and hit their milestones. I put so much pressure on myself to “do it all” and power through when the reality is everyone is so supportive and happy I am taking care of my mental health. Quitting my job was not “quitting”, but finding out that it just was not for me. I did my best every day and will miss my babies so much and would still like to see them. I was told by several people I should take some time off and live like a nomad for a while since my entire life was caregiving and so structured.

“What?!?!?”

Last night I told Ryan I wished God would just tell me what He wants me to do.

He matter-of-factly responded that He is. “He’s telling you where to go and when to leave.”

I told my coworkers that this morning and one responded, “… and you were like ‘I get that, but I’d rather not live a riddle’.

I cackled when she said that because isn’t that the truth!

I don’t know what God wants me to do, but I guess it’s true that we are just sojourners going where He wants us to go for a season.

Some people know what they want to do for the rest of their lives and have a plan set up for retirement.

I am not one of those people. I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up, nor have an inkling of what I’d want to do for sixty years at a time.

But, I know I want to serve God and love His people. I don’t want to trust a retirement plan or follow the American Dream. I want what God wants, and sometimes that is confusing and cloudy while you’re living in it.

“Aren’t you the one that tells people to trust God? You know these things. Why are you so worried?”

It’s hard to see when you’re in it, but I know all things work out for good to those who love God and are the called according to His purpose.

“Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.” – Isaiah 43:18-19