Due to our intense personalities, Ryan and I have gotten most of the wedding stuff done. I have been reflecting on how long I waited for Ryan, how many nights I cried and prayed for my husband, and how fast God works when it is time. I went from waiting and having nobody to having someone, getting engaged, and planning a wedding in less than a year. Since getting most of the wedding things done, my brain had time to think about the reality of the fact that I was getting married.
I’m going to have a husband.
I’m going to be a wife.
I’ve only ever lived home with my dad, and in the last fifteen years have taken care of and lost my mom, taken care of and lost my grandma, and had my aunt and uncle living with us. Now, suddenly, I will have a husband, and since he is a truck driver, we plan to save money for a couple of years, and I’ll get to travel with him. However, that plan is abstract because there is so much uncertainty with those plans for various reasons.

All of this to say I HAVE BEEN SO STRESSED AND EMOTIONAL I am thankful Ryan still wants to marry me. I am so happy to have Ryan and know he is the one for me. However, I am still human, and marriage is hard. It includes so much change and merging two lives working as one.

When Ryan was last in town, at 11 PM he decided to move my plants. I do not have much of my own while living at home, but I do have some potted plants. And Ryan moved them.

Due to the fact that I am trying to stretch myself and know marriage is compromising, I did not say a word. Instead, I melted down on the inside and my face spoke for me. Basically, I felt like Ryan shot my dog if I had one. You see, I am a planner. Ryan is spontaneous. There was no foremention or discussion about rearranging the plants. It was 11 PM and he did not want to go back to his truck yet, so to procrastinate, he moved my plants. To make a long story short, I love what he did with the corner, but most of them went back to where they originally were. One of the yellow plants I potted to go along with what he was doing and try to gain some control of the situation, went right back where it came from an was quickly unpotted and repotted.

“But, I had my fall colored plants here because I love them and when I sit on my bench they are right in front of me.”

Ryan: I’ll never forget your face.

Was it about the plants? 90% yes. The remaining 10% was the fact that I live home and never had my own space. I want something that is mine. It is not a big deal and there are life choices that went into this, but “will I ever be good enough?” “I screw up many things. What if he realizes I’m a failure?”

There’s a lot involved.

Another reason for my stress is I never learn how to surrender. One thing I never wanted was to depend on anyone for anything. After my caregiving season, I was on the hunt to start my life over where I could take care of myself. What did God do? Answer my husband’s prayer led me to quit my job, have two part-time jobs where I do not make much money, and have someone who supports that life and cares more for my mental health than money and wants to take care of me. You’d think it would be amazing, but all it does is stress me because “I want my own money and never want to owe anyone anything”. I want to feel like I am contributing. The more I fight it, the less money I make. It’s a pride problem and has nothing to do with Ryan but is between God and me.

In the last week, I’ve cried more times than I have not and have realized why and how God urges the need for community. It was not until getting married that I truly understood, but it’s because most people are married or have been married, and I have been more compelled than ever to talk to people and get marriage advice. Before, I was curious and would ask people about it, but now it’s a dire need. Yes, Ryan and I communicate about everything, and he knows my feelings. I finally blurted out my feelings with hysterical crying to my aunt, uncle, and dad, and they said, “Marriage is hard. You should share more often. You can’t hold it all in.” This was comforting.

My dad and I watched ‘Father of the Bride’ starring Steve Martin a few weeks ago, and it was the most accurate depiction of the emotions of getting married. I hysterically cried at parts but hysterically laughed when he had the nervous breakdown in the grocery store over hotdog buns while wearing his too-small tuxedo.
“I feel that.”
I laughed so hard I rewound that part and then laughed again.

Today, I mailed the save-the-dates but hand-delivered family members nearby. I stopped at my great aunt’s house because there was no way I could just leave it in her mailbox and visited for a couple of hours. She is ninety, and I enjoyed the visit more than she did. I asked her for the best marital advice she had, and it is one I get most often: communicate and not hold things in. If you have a problem, you need to talk about it. Thankfully, Ryan and I communicate well, and I hope this continues and we work together through life.

Another thing I noticed is how suddenly all of my insecurities are flaring up out of nowhere. I am thankful to have friends I can turn to, most of whom are married or have been married. One of my best friends is divorced from a man who left her with two small children. She now has an infant and a man who appreciates and takes care of her. She is vital to me and has much life experience and wisdom to share. My other best friend is going through a tough season and has much wisdom to share, even if she does not see it now. She is living out her faith.

I am a planner, and there is much uncertainty in my life right now, but the sure thing is I love Ryan, and there is nobody else I would rather do life with. I believe God put us together, and he molded my best friend. I believe he planned the distance, and while it is difficult, is helpful in many ways. Even though it is challenging at times, I believe it will make us appreciate each other that much more when we do get to spend time together. Ryan is perfect for me and is patient with my recent emotional breakdowns. He is the person I have waited for, and I cannot wait to marry him.

I am excited to build a life together one day at a time.