“Your mind is insane” is what I have been told multiple times in various ways.
Insert cringe face here

I have no idea why my brain goes from 0 to 5,000 in .0003 seconds or how it even begins to come up with 1/3rd ideas it does. I have no idea why my brain works the way it does, but the fact remains that it is what it is.
I do not know what causes anxiety or depression or why some people are more afflicted with it than others, but as a Christian, I have to live by this every second of my life, “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ…”.
I could write about my recent panic attacks and crying fits, but I am choosing to write about the other side.

A few days ago, when I walked into Brent’s house, the TV had a nature show, which was odd because it’s usually one of Brent’s favorite movies or shows. This particular day was a National Geographic episode about animals and their babies. Suddenly there was a swamp scene, and a daddy bird (OF ALL THINGS) was carrying the babies in his wings.
In the snap of a finger, my thoughts went to, “Oh my gosh! That’s what God does!”

I knew some scriptures and had heard about being held in the shadow of His wings. Until this visual, I did not understand. I had no idea birds carried their young. (Be gentle. I am from the city and never thought about it). JUST. LIKE. THAT. I got it.

The baby bird went for a swim while a crocodile was watching. Of course, my anxiety shot up because I wanted the baby to be safe. The camera was jumping from the swimming baby bird to the crocodile’s eyes, and the daddy bird was watching from a distance. The baby bird swam to a lily pad near his dad, climbed on top, and then the daddy bird scooped him up in his wing and carried him away.
I almost burst into tears. What should be the happiest time of my life is mixed with many emotions and unknowns about my future. In one second, God essentially shocked my mind to see that He carries me in His wings. There is nowhere I go or anything that changes that He does not see me. It’s easy to look at the circumstances and unknowns and be frightened, but that can only happen if I take my eyes off my Father, who takes care of me. I say I trust God, but my thoughts and actions speak differently.

When Ryan comes into town and leaves, it is always difficult and seems to be getting harder. Emotions are exposed differently, which led to an argument a couple of days ago as each of our internal issues came to the surface.

I am thankful to marry a man who seeks God and reminds me to listen to God’s voice, not the enemy. The enemy roams about seeking whom he may devour. He does this by creating doubt and putting insecurities in my mind leading me to believe I am not good enough for Ryan or that I am far behind and that he deserves better. I am thankful for a thoughtful, patient man who is not swayed by my emotions and digs deep until the issue is finally out, no matter how difficult it is to get there, and always reminds me that he is here to stay. It is hard for me to express my true feelings sometimes, and the hard part is having someone relentlessly provoke me until it’s done. I also have to learn to control my emotions and my tongue.

Instead of worrying about the future, I have to consider it a God adventure. Instead of seeing a black wall of darkness and confusion, it’s like jumping off a cliff and letting God lead me to safety.
“I don’t know where we are going, but I know You have me and will not lead me to harm.”

I prayed for a man who could handle Brent because if they got along, it revealed so much in a person’s character. Not only do Ryan and Brent get along, but they are best friends, and when I work with Brent, we call Ryan daily while on our walks. Brent gives Ryan hugs and speaks in full clear sentences (which drives me insane because he does not do that often!), and the two of them have a bromance.

Ryan came with me to get a haircut last weekend, and my friend needed her salon chair put together. The friend that was supposed to help got tied up with something and could not make it that day which worked out for Ryan because projects are right up his alley. Rita did not want to bother Ryan, but she was also desperate, and while he was putting the chair together, she said, “Aimee. Marry him!”

I AM!!! I know! I fully see what God has given me and am so thankful for this gift. Ryan is so much better than I could have ever imagined having and so worth the wait. Also, when we left Rita’s Ryan was blessed with an exercise machine we saw in someone’s yard. It turned out to be some kind of therapy device for an elderly person, but we had fun with it regardless!

When I’m not having panic attacks, this is life with Ryan:

Rita’s Instagram (because I didn’t fix my hair like that 🙂 )
https://instagram.com/houseofcolesalon?igshid=NzNkNDdiOGI=