Growing up, I never had an idea for a career because I would always be a homemaker.

I always dreamed of taking care of my future family and never once considered climbing a ladder (I was not in shape anyway). However, I felt as though I could never share that with anyone because we always had to “be something.” I never dressed as a “Mom” for career day.

The world teaches us to chase after the things of the world. We are to chase things to obtain the next high continuously, but they never tell you what we are supposed to gain. We are just to keep searching and become alcoholics.

Flash forward to reality, and the life I chose was not going to school and staying home to be a caregiver. That was not exactly the life I had envisioned as a little girl, and it was not until I was typing out the sentence that I realized the irony of it. After my mom died, I went through a severe depression because I refused to acknowledge it. I decided that I did not need anyone and tried desperately to avoid any type of human interaction as possible. I would never allow myself to get close to anyone in the name of self-preservation. If you do not get close to people, they cannot hurt you.

This mentality went on for years until God called me and then He had to undo all the lies.

When God was calling me, but I did not understand what was going on, I needed to destroy the old me. I needed her to die, in dramatic words. Little did I know that girl really would die because I would become a new creature in Christ and never look back. I use this term strongly that I despised “her”. I wanted to live opposite what I’d done to never be that girl ever again as long as I lived.

That girl was never in shape.
-I would run a half marathon.

That girl would never leave the house.
-I went to Ireland alone.

Those things sound fantastic on paper, but the reality is that all that was missing was a huge sign that said “I’M DROWNING” in big red letters.

I lived in terror for that is what depression does. It is fear. You build these walls to block everyone out, and I lived in a barbed-wire fenced, stony castle with a mote filled with alligators. It’s not that you want to be that way, but you can not get out. I was in a pit and could not climb out, for the harder I tried to climb out, the more exhausted I would be.

Until the night I cried out to Jesus. My life changed after that, and I’ll never be that girl again.

All of this to say the lies I believed: My life had no purpose. I did not go to school and I did not do this and did not do that. I had no career set up to chase. I had no schooling to provide a “good job”. My life was the opposite of what the world says I should have. It was not until I worked at my other job that God provided the mother of the miracle baby. She was a career chaser. We came from opposite ends of the spectrum. She was chasing her career when God cut off her plans and gave her a vision of a family. She moved to New Orleans, and it would be seven years before her total vision would come to pass. Did you catch that? Seven years. That’s God’s number.

While she regretted “wasting” her life of achievements, I regretted the antithesis of hers of no academics and caregiving. We came together to share that ‘life ain’t greener on the other side’ and was used by God for the other. She was the first “true” friend God provided and helped lead me to Him. She did not come with loud cymbals either. God had us work together for years, and she had become the only constant in my life. For her, I was a “nurturer” and unlike how she was brought up.

You know what I’ve learned the last seven years? The world is a liar. It’s a destroyer of all God desires for His people.

Jesus has done wonders to deliver me from me and has taught me HIS truth. He has provided a handful of friends that mean more to me than anything else, and am so thankful for the leaps and bounds He’s done to my heart. I went from not needing anyone to feeling like the neediest person in the world. I am so thankful for my friendships I could cry typing that out. I am also thankful for this blog and fellow bloggers because while it seems trivial, I am so grateful to ‘surround myself’ with like-minded people who are God’s children and perfect for an introvert like me. ha.

While I am still single and love where I currently am and the season I am in, I desire to have a family one day. My desire as a little girl is a godly one, but my motives and how I look at it are entirely different. Paul states that being single is greater than being married, for you can do more for the Kingdom of God in the sense you have less responsibility. However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with desiring to marry and raise babies. The world teaches you that you need to have a career and forget your family. The world hates everything that God says, and the devil has taught so many that lie. He has convinced people that having an abortion, and murdering a perfectly beautiful child, should be celebrated to reach the top of the ladder and have a gold plate with your name on it.

The world chases careers and belittles the most crucial job a woman could be given: raising a family. The world makes you feel as if you get married that you have given up on life. You are settling down and have surrendered every desire and dream you have ever had. Raising children who fear The Lord has to be the toughest job there is because the world will teach them to do the opposite. Raising a family is not to be taken lightly, for doing so will answer to God. It’s being given the responsibility of shaping young minds and pouring life into them ALL while also living the day-to-day of dying to self.

While I have desired and prayed to be a wife and mother, in the waiting, have read my bible to learn what it means to be a godly wife and mother. Being a caregiver is hard, and while doing that, dreamed of living alone in a hammock on a mountain and wondered how or why I even wanted a family. It is there that God had me read His word to unravel His truth about what a family should be. It is not white picket fences and living ‘the Facebook life’. It’s dying to self daily. It’s living exposed to have someone as your mirror continuously showing you your flaws, unable to hide. It is learning to become humble and what it means to submit to a husband. The world says submission is the greatest sin, but it also says a man can be a woman and that killing an unborn child is the epitome of living. The world says to hold a grudge, and God says forgive because you have been forgiven. As selfish human beings, constantly having to give grace is forgiveness is hard enough.

It’s forming relationships and learning to be content where God has placed you NOW.

While singleness is currently the plan for me, I will not give up on the desire. God has provided friends to encourage me, and some have lost their families and remind me, “it ain’t what it’s cracked up to be.”

Prayerfully, I have learned there’s nothing wrong with my desire and that God is in the waiting. He has given me two jobs I said I would never do to prepare my heart for the future. I think we have an idea of having to do something “big” for God, when He has provided me to serve His most innocent.

It is also easy to write things in a blog, pretending people do not read it. This week, I wrote my heart’s desire to the miracle baby’s mom for the first time. When the doctor told her she had less than one percent chance of having a baby, I blurted out that her kid would be in my wedding. I’ve only said it once, but this week said I can’t wait for it to happen. It’s hard to admit what you truly want, as simple as it may sound to others. It is hard to confess it because it is easier to “forget” if it does not happen. But, I think of it all the time, and when the desire comes to pass cannot wait to share that blog post. Just think when my future family and I have matching snowsuits. You know it’s coming. 😉

I do not know what is in store for me, but I can trust what He has will be good. I know I’d rather live single because God said to than to live single because the world said it’s better than marriage. My heart has been transformed in the waiting, and g from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh. He has given me the perfect jobs for ‘me’ and shown me what love means while doing so.

His ways are so much better than we could ever imagine, and I love the life He has built for me.

Some people are worth the drive.

Sunflowers always face the sun: “The grass withereth, the flower fadeth, but the word of our God shall stand for ever…”

Matthew 10: When only God can restore your relationship with your dad.

The Dr. said <1%… but, God…

A thrift store find that taught ‘charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised’…

Desires of the heart: When God sends you on a cross-country road trip with your favorite person— and two kids.