I worry. A lot.

It’s one of the things God has worked on my heart the most, and the reality is that it is not as bad as it used to be. Yikes!

Honestly, starting this blog made me think of David from “David’s Daily Dose” who I can relate to with his “squirrel-like mind”. It never stops. The wheels keep turning, creating a crisis out of nothing and running faster and faster down the rabbit hole of the mind like the energizer bunny!! ‘It just keeps going and going…’

I have a similar personality to my dad and grandma, but I like to believe I’m a watered-down version. My cousins are the same way and worry about everything as well. I do not know if anxiety is a generational curse, but I used to half-joke with my grandma that the reason I needed Jesus so badly is that I am just like her, and she is insane. She would laugh.

But, it’s a real thing that I would think about my grandma and pray not to be like her when I got older or now because it is just not a beneficial way to live. I remember seeing a video a while back mentioning that anxiety is not real, and it changed my life because it changed my perspective.

“Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ…” – 2 Corinthians 10:5

God rescued me from depression and anxiety, where I hit bottom and faced the worst time of my life. I did not want to live anymore, but I was too afraid to die because I was unsure where I would end up. This point led me to get saved and cry out for Jesus to help me. I will never allow myself ever to go back to that mental state, and through God’s grace, I will never have to because I have HIS strength made perfect in my weakness.

I’ve had so many thoughts over various topics the last few weeks I am not sure how to write this to where it makes sense instead of just having a an explosion of mental confetti.

Fear can be used for good to change our lives. At the worst time of my life, I lived entirely crippled by fear and anxiety and did not see my cage. It is hard to see out of the pit when you are in it, but fear had total control of my life, and looking back realized that inch by inch, facing each tiny one eventually led to changing my life. God taught me how to fight, and He stood up and was there for me when no one else was. Because of this, I learned to rely on Him and never be alone. My life changed when God rescued me, and everyone knew about it. I told everyone, and those walls exploded where I was too timid to share my convictions, and I could not shut my mouth. I turned into someone I always wanted to be but was always too afraid. It wasn’t because I wanted to live a lonely, stubborn, defiant life, but being a Christian automatically makes you that way. You will never fit in as you were ‘re-born’ to stand out as a Christian.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the shortage of testing during a ‘surge’. I wrote from an outside perspective but clearly wrote it with personal experience. Over two days, I sat in traffic for seven hours to get a swab stuck up my nose simply because I was not vaccinated, which is THE alternate requirement for my job. The powers that be somehow did not know that respiratory illnesses flare up during a pandemic they shut the entire world down were not prepared, creating a shortage of tests. This is because they are navigating the world to comply through inconvenience. Enough people will get irritated enough to get vaccinated, but not for health reasons. It is so they do not have to get tested weekly.

This is fine. I understand the rules and will ‘play the game’ accordingly. After all, this was my choice, and I have to live with the consequences of this decision. However, I was frustrated to no end that I had to go on a quest, but the test came back positive. I cannot honestly explain the life crisis that came from this experience but somehow, my friend Ryan is still talking to me. It was not an in-the-moment life crisis, but a long-term fear I was facing. I know the pressure the government is creating to be vaccinated, and the county I work in is enforcing it. In that moment, I had the absolute terror that I would lose my job. I also knew God gave me this job and was battling back and forth on what to do. In my mind, I was so irritated with the weekly tests and the seven-hour traffic trauma that I could not do it anymore. I took my eyes off God and was ‘alone’ searching for what to do, creating scenarios to prepare myself for when disaster strikes.

(I know this sounds insane, but this is a glimpse into my mind. It’s a scary place without God.)

I finally got a grip and begged God and reminded Him of His promises to me. I knew He gave me this job last year and knew He is faithful and would do it again. “If you want me to leave, I’ll leave. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. You have to tell me what to do”. I knew what I felt led to stand for. I knew I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, and He would make way for me no matter which way it went. I would do what He sent me to do, but He had to help me because I was failing and in a rock and hard place.

“God will take care of me.”

I tested positive, which meant I had to quarantine and not get paid, which is a PAIN. You know why? I never leave my home. Everyone who knows me automatically wondered HOW I could test positive, which is pathetic and hysterical. Also, I had no symptoms and was absolutely fine.

I get a call on Monday stating that BECAUSE I tested positive am considered to have the antibodies and would not have to be tested for 90 days. I was almost in happy tears.

All of this frustration was used for good because it made me change my life. I lived in fear that I would lose my job and had to find a way to make money that was not just a paycheck. If I lost my job, I would lose everything as I have ‘nothing’ as passive income. I am the poor dad in “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” and I did not want to be anymore. While I do not worship money and know God will provide for me, I also know He has provided jobs and a work ethic.

A few years ago, I suddenly bought books about investing and never knew why. “I’m not that person” and “I don’t know anything about it”. I lived in fear about all of it until this moment in my life and then started actively changing and throwing caution to the wind. I took a step and did something I’ve always wanted to do.

I also realized I could renovate furniture and sell it if it comes to that.

Fear can be used for good in our lives. We can either become overwhelmed or let it change us. This post does not have a real point and in no way states a Christian should or should not be vaccinated, but I do believe we have to do what God said to do. It should be a choice, and that person has the right to choose what is best for them and trust their decision was based on faith and not compliance.

‘Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.’

“I wanna ask a question, Dominic. I don’t care if you answer me or not. I just wanna say this aloud. But I need to know that this question will not leave this office.”

“Yeah, of course, inspector, but–Because of the terrorist?”

“No.”

“So, what is it, chief? What’s going on?”

“The question I want to ask is about St. Mary’s and Three Waters. The question that’s kept me up for the last 24 hours…the question I have to ask, is: What if the worst…the most horrifying biological attack in this country’s history was not the work of religious extremists?”

“I don’t understand. We know it was. They were caught. They confessed.”

“And they were executed. I know. And maybe that’s really what happened. But I see this chain of events…these coincidences, and I have to ask: What if that isn’t what happened? What if someone else unleashed that virus? What if someone else killed all those people? Would you really wanna know who it was?”

“Sure.”

“Even if it was someone working for this government? That’s my question. If our own government was responsible for what happened at St. Mary’s and Three Waters. If our own government was responsible for the deaths of almost 100,000 people…
Would you really wanna know?”

“‘You’re in a prison, Evey. You were born in a prison. You’ve been in a prison so long, you no longer believe there’s a world outside. That’s because you’re afraid, Evey. You’re afraid because you can feel freedom closing in upon you. You’re afraid because freedom is terrifying. Don’t back away from it, Evey. Part of you understands the truth even as part pretends not to. You were in a cell, Evey. They offered you a choice between the death of your principles and the death of your body. You said you’d rather die. You faced the fear of your own death and you were calm and still. The door of the cage is open, Evey. All that you feel is the wind from outside.””

Previous Blogs I wrote about the subject…
Nothing yells freedom like sitting in Covid testing lines for hours…

Get vaccinated or lose your job: Will you comply?

I got trapped in the rabbit hole of Theranos and the trial of Elizabeth Holmes