How do I start this post as an update for my life?  Maybe bullet style would help organize thoughts :

• money anxiety
• Tendinitis 
• Workplace anxiety 
• Ingrown toenail 
• Brent’s special prom 
• Rusty nail puncture wound 
• Working aftercare 
• Getting invited to church 
• A new phone 
• Wanting to meet Charles Stanley and Paul Washer 
• Gardening 
• Ryan (with starry eyes)

Most of this post is about anxiety, and after a few days could never come up with anything to write because I kept going back to “why are you worried if you trust God.” So I answered my questions with God’s word (or He answered them!) and was convicted as my thoughts were trying to write this post.

In the grand scheme of things, my problems are small and insignificant. Every annoyance or worry I have usually stems from not spending enough time in the Word or focusing on the world, which is a symptom of not spending time in the word. I have not been spending time with God like I used to, and it’s showing.
In the last few weeks, I’ve been to the doctor more than I have in 10 years between having to get a cortisone shot for my wrist that’s been hurting (that thankfully turned out to be tendinitis), an ingrown toenail and in the same week stepped on a rusty nail barefoot while working outside. I was not even mad about the rusty nail because it was the final straw that God used to get my attention.

You see, I had these plans and was calculating my time with Brent and how much money I would make while trying to figure out how I would ever retire at my current rate, which shows never, and having to sign up to work aftercare shifts at a job I feel like I do not belong at to be able to save more money.
The reality of all this is that Ecclesiastes states my problem: that all of my stress is vanity. Working and toiling in my strength to provide for myself when Everything could vanish instantly and I cannot take any of it with me, so why am I so stressed about my future? Whom am I trusting with my life, God, or my abilities? Everything that bared fruit in my life has always been because of God and never Aimee, so I do not know why k continue to do this to myself as I already know the answer.

I was given a warning with the ingrown toenail and forced to slow down some as I could not go for walks. However, like many things, I did not learn this lesson. I was calculating working extra hours with Brent to make up some money in my head when I stepped on the rusty nail and immediately texted his mom, “change of plans”. While the nail was inconvenient, it mainly was a conviction of my heart that left me in a foul mood the rest of the weekend. Being the stubborn person I am, it did not stop me from standing up to paint some projects I’d never had the time to finish.

With that said, looking back, the mass hysteria surrounding the initial nail incident is hysterical. I thought, “It’s ok” for a split second, and thought to ignore it. Suddenly, thoughts of lockjaw and amputation popped into my head, and I could not calm down. I could not walk through the house with a bloody foot, so I called my dad on his cell phone, completely calm and rational… or “I STEPPED ON A NAIL!!!!” in tears and despair. (Whichever you choose to believe.)

Since I have the best dad in the entire world, he cleaned my foot and calmed me down enough so I could drive myself to urgent care, which did not open until 9 AM. I called Ryan in the car, which also calmed me down and talked me down from the ledge. I had to kill time before urgent care opened, so I drove to the gas station to fill up my car and, on my way, saw a piece of furniture on the side of the road. I needed it, so I pulled over to pick it up. I told Ryan I did not know if I would be able to pick it up but realized the adrenaline could do it.

When I got to urgent care, they said you would not believe the number of people they had with nails in their feet the last week, which was the most comforting thing I’d ever heard in my life.

They gave me antibiotics and a tetanus shot which made me realize later that the antibiotics would also help my ingrown toenail. I cannot fully describe the bad mood I was in, but it was because I had my timeline and frustrations to work out. I took my eyes off of Jesus and onto my circumstances, and my life was spiraling out of control. Suddenly, I went from balancing on a balance beam on one foot, losing my footing (pun not intended), and catapulted into a metaphorical straight jacket being held captive in a padded room.

All of this went down on Saturday morning, and for the last few months, Ryan has casually mentioned the metaphorical nail in his foot that is my cell phone. My perspective is I have one, and it works ok. I bought a “new” one a couple of years ago, the oldest cheapest model. I’m not that into technology, and the fact that I have an iPhone is amazing, so I did not care about the total potential of the smartphone. However, I could not send videos due to storage, and I always needed to charge it even after getting a new battery. The final straw was sending a video to his mom, and she had to send it to Ryan.

I never imagined myself in a long-distance relationship, but this is the story God has for me. I like it for several reasons, but mainly it forces you to get to know each other without any distractions. The only thing you can do is communicate, and I like the foundation and bond being built. It forces you to realize how much you want to be in a relationship, and I think it’s perfect that this is how God did it. As much as I’ve prayed and grown accustomed to waiting, it is fitting that there is more of that… haha. But, it does not seem like a big deal to me as it’s something I’ve done my whole life, which God knew beforehand. With that said, this remarkable man bought me a new cell phone, so we can communicate better and send videos to each other.

I’ve been stressed about my job for reasons that do not make much sense, but I never had a retirement set up as a lifelong caregiver. I do not feel like I fit in skillfully or spiritually at my job which could be reality or anxiety… I am still unsure. I am essentially starting over and realizing that at this rate, I’ll be working forever and am trying to fix years of past decisions in two days. Instead of focusing on the season God has me in presently and learning from it, I’m focused on money and bettering my future. This is not a bad thing to do, but also needs a healthy balance. This, of course, has to do with me trusting myself and not God, as I know I was doing what I was supposed to before, and the American Dream is not God’s dream. I will be where God wants me to be when he wants me to be there no matter what, and trusting in a “retirement plan” instead of God is not the life I’ve ever wanted. My thoughts are being consumed more and more with providing for myself and working harder to save.

While this can be wise, getting a rusty nail in my foot was God’s way of keeping me in check.

“Rest in Me”….Jehovah Jireh

With this said, I am enjoying the garden bench I found in the garbage a couple weeks ago with Brent. I filled up the bird feeders and am slowly cleaning out my garden to enjoy coffee on the porch again.

The coffee bar project is coming along. I found a tray at the thrift store to use and it took way too long to finish, but I am excited it is done. The duck would not come off so I experimented and bleached wood for the first time and then stained it. If the stain did not look good I was going to cover it in the chalk paint.

Noah and Ham, Rahab and Boaz, Wedding at cana, and thrift store tables…

“Then you have no fear any more. You’re completely free.” – V for Vendetta

Trash to Treasure: one dresser’s renovation story of hope