Ryan and I got in a fight over a spoon.

“Isn’t it ironic?”

If you have any sense, you would correctly assume it’s not about the spoon.

Let’s back up, shall we?

There have been a few changes in my life recently.
Cue: rapid fire highlight reel

^^^ To name a few…

I went from praying and waiting for years to a sudden drastic overhaul, including job changes, sharing my life with someone, learning to submit/depend on them, and getting married. While these are all answered prayers, change is still changing rapidly for a person who can be risk-averse and like routine.

Last week, I passed trucking school at Ryan’s company and now possess a CDL Class A, which signifies employment with the company. While the new job and opportunity were exciting, and I was so thankful to pass, the reality of the situation must have been subconsciously leaking into my brain.

I have not outwardly felt overwhelmed but have been clinically moving forward with this season. Since getting married, life has moved so fast, and it’s strange to think we have been married for five, almost six months already (almost half a year!), even though it is such a short time. I have not had time to blink, and my life differs greatly from a year ago. I’ve changed jobs, prayed about driving a semi-truck, changed my last name, left home, studied the material, passed my tests, lived with a (wonderful!) stranger for a roommate while in school, and learned to drive an 18-wheeler. Not forgetting the recent rabbit hole bible study of Noah’s nakedness in Genesis 9 (there will be a blog!) and starting to learn Hebrew. Because why not?

I’ve been fine and felt okay moving forward with everything.

Saturday, I went to our local farmer’s market, ran into an old customer from when I worked at the gym, had fun catching up with him, and decided to window shop various places. I ended up at World Market and impulse purchased a new cooking spoon because I did not own a roux spoon. If you know me at all, I do not like spending money if it’s not necessary, so for me to buy a $10 spoon at World Market is a big deal. I told Ryan about my purchase, and he questioned me about it, which led to a big fight. Ryan was not questioning the money spent but why I bought a spoon when he bought one already.

I could not remember said spoon and took it as an extreme attack on my purchase and my insecurity of recently forgetting so many things. I could not understand why I had to explain everything I’d ever done when I only bought a spoon. I do not spend money extravagantly, so why can’t I own a spoon? Why do I have to justify everything when other tools were bought, and I did not ask about it? I just wanted a spoon and would use it in my life.

::Pause::
Okay, but have you ever had an out-of-body experience while in an argument?

“Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies…
Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.” – Proverb 31 seemed lost at the moment.

Apparently, Ryan bought me a cooking spoon a few months ago, and I had no idea where it was. I forgot about the sweet gift he got me, which triggered me over other things I had forgotten while focusing on passing driving school and the tests. Everything was ok in the end, but before it was ok, I started weeping uncontrollably in the parking lot of World Market and having a panic attack over a spoon. I said, “I have no idea what is going on. I was fine.” Thankfully, he would not let me hang up. He could have easily thought I was overreacting and let me have the meltdown. However, thankfully he recognized it was not about spoons at all and would not let me hang up the phone, but instead talked me through all the changes occurring in my life, trying to pinpoint what the heck was going on.

“What about the spoon I bought you? It had a butterfly on it?”
Cue: Complete emotional breakdown

“I have no idea what is going on. This is just as random to me as it is to you.”

Ryan has told me that being a truck driver cannot be emotional. He said there are stressful moments on the road, but you cannot react ‘now’ and would have to cry later. So, I ‘manned up’ for school, did three weeks of emotionless and just buckled down to do what I had to do. I was proud of myself for doing what I had to and being focused on finishing amid all the change. It appears that “later” was today, and the stress was actually in there and triggered by a spoon.

I am thankful to have a husband willing to talk through things and communicate. I am thankful to have a God-fearing husband who recognized things were not about the issue and was willing to talk me through it instead of blowing a random meltdown off as me being too emotional. It would have been easy to do that, and I honestly would not have blamed him because I could not figure out what was happening.

We are about to live in tiny quarters together full-time, and we must work things out and work together for our future to work. That’s what marriage is.

Five, almost six months down, forever to go.

Also, in case you’re wondering “The Spoon” will not be used for cooking now. I will be cooking with the store bought, meaningless spoons. The butterfly spoon will be shadowboxed and engraved. Ryan and I have been sending spoon texts back and forth to each other and since dating, I’ve made cards for him. These spoons seemed fitting for his return visit…

One day, it will be funny…